The guy clearly thinks I’m off my nut. Maybe that’s the real reason why he wanted me to come here. He didn’t trust me to be by myself, especially after finding me at the shelter dangling precariously over the brink of sanity.
He thought I crumbled in the wake of his rejection.
Little does he know how much worse I’ve had to deal with, how his rejection was only a tiny pin prick in comparison to the gutting I suffered eight years ago.
I manage a smile and nod at Antonio. “Rocco told me he was picking up Stoli 2, so I’m just along for the ride.”
My eyes dart to Rocco’s face almost as soon as the words tumble from my lips, betraying my mind and my heart. I want to look, but I’m so afraid to see…
I swallow hard as his eyes flicker over to mine, holding the same question that’s on the tip of my tongue. The one I have to choke back.
Because speaking it would just make things worse.
As I said before, I’m not an idiot.
And this can’t work because I don’t work anymore.
I’m broken.
So, whatever I think I may want is irrelevant.
The shards of my former self won’t let me be happy.
The memories of my past life, the terror I’ve experienced, the horrors I’ve committed…I can’t seek comfort with anyone.
I’m on my own, an opinion my father seems to share as well since he’s gone more than he’s here…literally and figuratively.
So just friends is as good as I’m going to get because anything more just isn’t possible.
Happily ever after isn’t in my future.
Mine is a cold, solitary one permeated with the stench of death.
It’s my fate, one I’ve prepared for. It’s what I’m good at. And I won’t stop until I find those who stole the lives of Mom and Lili.
I tear my eyes away from Rocco’s. He was smart to push me away last night. What the hell could I possibly offer him? He is surrounded by love and a family who welcomes him with open arms. When his dad hugged me, I fought the urge to weep. It felt so nice to be wanted.
He doesn’t need my level of crazy in his life.
That’s the answer to your question, Rocco.
And it answers mine, too.
Lindy comes running back into the kitchen not a second too soon, and I grab my glass of wine and take a large gulp to dissolve the lump lodged in my throat. She waves a couple of leather-bound books in her hand, grinning from ear to ear. “I know you said we didn’t need to get out the baby pictures, but…”
I cover my mouth to snort back a loud chuckle when I see Rocco’s face drop to the tile floor. “Lindy, are you serious? Come on!”
Allegra rushes over with her own glass of wine and plops into the chair next to me. “Oh yes! What a great idea, Lindy! Rocco, come sit next to me!” She smacks the seat of the chair next to her, and Rocco’s face twists into a grimace as he collapses into it.
Lindy hovers over me and flips open the first album, her excited and incessant chatter filling me with sadness. God, she’s so much like Lili. So full of life and enthusiasm. Hell, she even sounds like Lili.
Her long hair spills over her shoulder, and I catch a whiff of mint.
Lili’s favorite body wash was eucalyptus mint.
Lindy’s hot pink fingernails point out various faces that swim on the pages in front of me.
It was Lili’s favorite choice of polish color.