He said condom with an accent. He’s starting to sound more and more American now. And I can’t believe this is where my train of thought is when I just asked a guy to have sex with me. A guy I’m not even attracted to.
Is this really happening?
Do I want it to happen?
I do. I want to get it over with. Rip the Band-Aid off. I don’t want it to mean anything at all. I want it to be trivial with little effect on my life. I want to be the exact opposite of my parents.
When Luck returns, he closes the door and locks it. “Do you mind if I turn off the lamp?”
“I’d actually prefer it.”
He turns off the lamp and climbs into bed. We both crawl under the covers and begin to remove our clothes. “You sure about this, Merit?”
“Yep,” I say as I struggle my way out of my jeans. My heart is starting to race and my conscience is fighting to break through the wall I’ve put up. But I don’t stop until all my clothes are off. Once we’re both undressed beneath the covers, Luck scoots closer to me. “It probably won’t feel good,” he warns.
I don’t know why, but that comment makes me laugh.
“I’m serious,” he says. His hand meets my hip. “It might even hurt.”
“It’s fine. My expectations aren’t that high right now.”
He scoots closer and pauses with his hand still on my hip. “You want me to kiss you?”
I think about his question for a moment. I’m not sure that I even want to kiss him. Is that weird? Of course it is. This whole thing is weird. “I’ll leave that up to you.”
Luck nods, just as his hand slides up to my waist. It isn’t until he reaches my breast that I feel the weight of what’s about to happen. I try not to let it weigh too heavily.
It’s just sex.
I can do this.
Almost every adult in the world has done this.
I can do this.
He gently rolls me onto my back and then reaches for the condom. As he’s putting it on, a good thirty seconds go by that I could use to change my mind. But I don’t. Luck then rolls on top of me, holding his weight up with his hands on either side of my head. He brushes my hair back which is an oddly sweet gesture and then he reaches between us and spreads my legs.
I close my eyes. He presses his forehead into the pillow beside my head. “You sure?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
I keep my eyes closed and I try not to focus on the fact that I made such a spontaneous decision. But I can’t really think of any negative consequences that will come of this. I won’t have to worry about never losing my virginity and Luck will get to add another line to his book.
“Last chance to change your mind, Merit.”
“How long does it usually last?” I whisper.
Luck laughs in my ear. “You already hate it that much?”
I shake my head. “No, I just . . .” I stop talking. I’m making it even more awkward.
Just when I think I’m no longer going to be a virgin, my phone lights up. “Someone’s calling you,” Luck says. I glance to my left and fumble for my phone. I try to power it off, but the screen is still lit. Luck is just staring down at me. His face contorts and then he’s not on top of me anymore. He falls onto his back.
“I can’t do it.”
“Seriously?” I ask. “We were two seconds away!”
He nods. “I’m sorry. It’s just . . . when your phone lit up . . . you made this face that reminded me of Moby.”
I cringe.
“He kind of looks like you and Honor. It’s weirding me out.”
I pull the covers up over my breasts. “That’s gross.”
As embarrassed as I am, though, I doubt my feelings even come close to what my father must be feeling. He knows I know that he’s still sleeping with Mom. And I’m sure he’s terrified I’m going to tell Victoria. Or anyone else in the family for that matter. He’s so mortified, he didn’t even come to my room to talk to me about it.
All I’ve heard from him today was in a stupid text. “I’m sorry you saw that. Please let me talk to you about it before you jump to any conclusions.” In other words, he’d appreciate the opportunity to swear me to secrecy before anyone else finds out what’s really going on around here.
So many secrets in this house. And yet, the one secret I should have told years ago is the one I’ve kept the quietest.
Speaking of quiet. I haven’t heard anyone moving around in the house for a while, which means everyone is probably in bed now. Not only am I starving, but I would put money on the fact that no one has fed Wolfgang today. I go to the kitchen and open a frozen dinner. After I put it in the microwave, I grab a pitcher from beneath the sink to fill it with dog food.
I’m rinsing it out when my father finally gets the balls to confront me. I heard the door to their bedroom open right after I closed the microwave. I heard him walk into the kitchen when I bent down to grab the pitcher. I felt him hesitate at the counter as I was rinsing out the pitcher.
He was the first person to inspire her, to move her, to truly understand her. Was he meant to be the last? Lucy is faced with a life-altering choice. But before she can make her decision, she must start her story—their story—at the very beginning. Lucy and Gabe meet as seniors at Columbia University on a day that changes both of their lives forever. Together, they decide they want their lives to mean something, to matter. When they meet again a year later, it seems fated—perhaps they’ll find life’s meaning in each other. But then Gabe becomes a photojournalist assigned to the Middle East and Lucy pursues a career in New York. What follows is a thirteen-year journey of dreams, desires, jealousies, betrayals, and, ultimately, of love. Was it fate that brought them together? Is it choice that has kept them away? Their journey takes Lucy and Gabe continents apart, but never out of each other’s hearts.