This was what my demon looked like. What I could become.
What Zeke could never see.
I shook myself. This was getting me nowhere. If Kanin was Lost, he was Lost, and nothing I did now would bring him back. The only thing left to do was to see if his mind was still intact, or if I was going to have to cut him down before he could kill me.
I clenched my fist...and stepped forward, into his reach.
Kanin didn't move. I took another step. And another. Until I was right beside him, gazing down at the top of his head. Relief hammered through me, but I didn't relax. Standing this close to Kanin felt like watching a rabid that hadn't quite noticed me yet. But once it did...
With slow, cautious movements, I knelt beside him. He stirred faintly, and I heard a low growl that made me freeze, but he still didn't attack.
My hands were shaking. I bit my cheek to steady myself then smoothly reached for his arm and the iron shackle on one wrist.
He let me take it without protest, without spinning around and lunging at me with bared fangs. My heart rose a bit higher, but we weren't out of here yet.
Still shaking, I put the key into the metal band at his wrist, turning slowly until it clicked under my fingers. The shackle loosened and dropped away with a clink.
And Kanin moved.
His head came up, turning to me. As if he'd just realized I was there, how close I was. For a split second, I met his blank, glassy stare, daring to hope.
Then his lips curled back from his fangs, and I knew I was dead.
I threw myself backward as Kanin lunged, snarling, his eyes bright with madness. Getting clear was the only thing on my mind now, putting distance between myself and this vicious demon who could easily rip me apart. I wasn't nearly fast enough. Kanin grabbed my leg and dragged me to him, hissing, and I howled in fear, kicking at his chest. He yanked me beneath him, and one hand clamped over my throat, squeezing hard. Thankfully, I didn't need to breathe, but my vision went red with pain-he was so strong!
"Kanin!" My fingers grabbed the hand on my throat, the other groped for my sword-hard to do while pinned on my back. "Dammit, get a hold of yourself! It's me-"
His grip tightened, crushing my windpipe, and I gagged on the words. Standing, Kanin yanked me upright, turned and slammed me into the wall. My head struck the stone with a sickening crack, but I barely felt that pain as Kanin brought his head down and sank his teeth into the side of my neck.
I went rigid, unable to move. For just a moment, I was there again, the night I was Turned, where I died, Kanin's fangs in my throat. It did not feel the same. My last night as a human, I remembered the pain, but also an intoxicating pleasure and warmth that had radiated from my core, soothing me to sleep, to death.
This was nothing like that. This was pure, blinding agony. With the exception of a wooden stake through the gut, it was the most painful thing I'd ever felt. I couldn't move, I couldn't even think. My mind emptied of all rational thought, except for one memory that flashed across my consciousness, clear as day.
"Vampires do not feed from each other," Kanin had told me once in the hidden lab. "One, feeding from our kind does nothing for the Hunger. In some cases it can make it worse. Two, forcibly taking blood from a vampire will cause that vampire untold pain. It's one of the most violent, intrusive acts we can commit on another kindred, and is viewed as barbaric and needlessly cruel by most."
"Ew," I had responded, making a face. "Good to know. So, vampires don't bite each other? Ever?"
"I said we don't feed from each other," my mentor replied in that infuriating way of his. "However, on rare occasions, two vampires who are attracted to one another will sometimes share blood. It becomes more of a sensual thing, the desire to offer a part of themselves, to feel close to another, rather than the need to sate the Hunger."
"Ewww," I'd said again, with a little more emphasis. "Well, thanks so much for that lovely image. Let's just say I'm not going to let any vampire near my throat, now or ever. I can promise you that."
The memory flickered and was gone in an instant, leaving nothing but pain behind. And a savage regret that I hadn't heeded my own promise. "Kanin," I gritted out, my voice harsh and ragged. I tried to make my arms move, to push him off, but he growled and sank his fangs in deeper, making me gasp. I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw to keep from screaming. "Kanin, s-stop. Please."
Abruptly, Kanin froze. He still had me pinned to the wall, but the hand around my throat loosened the slightest bit, and his fangs finally slid from my neck. I shuddered, slumping in relief as the vampire paused for a long moment, his brow furrowed as if trying to remember something.
"You..." The voice was low and raspy, as if it hadn't been used in a long, long time. Kanin blinked, and his gaze shifted to me, still confused, tormented by indecision. But his eyes were clearer now, the glassiness fading into the black. "I... know you."
I nodded painfully. "It's me," I whispered, my own voice ragged and faint. My throat burned, raw from abuse, but I tried to keep my gaze steady. "That night in the rain, when you saved me from the rabids? Do you remember?"
He stared at me, frowning. I watched his face, watched him struggle to claw himself out of the dark pit of madness, back into the light. Come on, Kanin, I urged him. You're stronger than this. You're almost there. Please, don't make me lose you again.
Kanin closed his eyes, his face tormented. When he opened them, I saw the last of the madness fade away, and for a moment, his expression was a raw, gaping wound. Horror, shame, guilt and despair lay open on his face as he looked down at me, recognition breaking through at last.
"Allison."
I almost collapsed in relief. "Yeah," I whispered, forcing a pained smile as he stared at me as if I were a ghost. "It's me. Damn you, Kanin. You were a pain in the ass to find, you know that?"
Kanin didn't answer. Without warning, his hands rose, pressing to either side of my face as I went rigid. His stare was awed, hopeful, as if he couldn't quite believe I was real and had to touch me to make sure I wasn't a phantom.
"It's not the physical scars that are the most painful," Zeke said. "I know you can take care of yourself, probably better than anyone. Certainly better than me." He smiled a little, reminding me of how handsome he was when he smiled. How he could make my cold heart stutter when he did that. "But I know you, Allie. Even if Kanin was Lost, like Salazar said, you wouldn't have given up on him. You would have kept trying to save him, whether he could be saved or not. It's just how you are."
Since when? I thought, giving him a dubious look. He chuckled.
"You know it's true." He brushed a thumb across my cheek, his gaze intense. "I didn't see Jackal down there, risking his life. Just you." His voice went low and soft, tinted with a little regret. "I'd forgotten how incredible you really are."
The Hunger stirred again, and I tensed. Getting too close, Allison. It doesn't matter what Zeke thinks of you-you're still a vampire and he's still human. This won't end well, and you're not helping either of you.
"Speaking of which, where is Jackal?" I said, pulling back. Zeke let me go, looking disappointed but resigned. "I should tell him what happened-not that he cares, but he should at least know that Kanin is safe."