I nod and wonder if I should tell her about my fear of writing and saying my vows, since I can’t discuss it with Micha. She could help me figure stuff out. Maybe. Although I don’t think she could help me with the fear of getting married, which might be behind the reason why I can’t write my vows.
Before I can say anything, though, she suddenly rises from her chair with a big grin on her face. “I almost forgot. I got you a present.”
“Why?” My expression falls. No one’s ever given me presents except Micha and I’m not really a fan of getting them.
“For your wedding, duh.” She rolls her eyes like I’m being absurd and then heads back to the guest room. A few minutes later, she returns with a big pink gift bag in her hand. “Here you go, bride-to-be,” she singsongs and then hands it to me. “I was going to give it to you yesterday, but… well, you know. Things happened.”
“Yeah, I know.” I set the bag down on the table. “That really wasn’t about my panicking about getting married. I promise.”
She plops down in the chair and props her elbow on the table. “Then what was it about?”
“Stuff.” I’m hesitant, and when she presses me with a look, I decide to let her in on my life just a little, especially since I recently learned her parents haven’t always been that great to her either. “I’m just worried about stuff in the future.”
She slumps back in the chair. “Well, that’s normal, Ella. Everyone worries about their future, especially when they’re about to get married and are starting a future with someone else.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I should probably just try to relax.” But even when I say it, it doesn’t seem possible. Relax. Sure, it’s easy when I’m in Micha’s arms or he’s inside me and everything else around me—life—feels nonexistent. But alone without his comfort I’m hyperaware of the things that lie inside me, the dark things that could overwhelm me with sadness at any moment—I could lose myself at any moment.
We sit quietly as fluffy snowflakes melt against the windows and leave thin trails of water on the glass.
Eventually Lila sits up and attempts to look happier. “Okay, enough with the sad. You need to open my present.”
I make a wary face at the gift bag and then open it up. There’s decorative paper inside and a box sealed with a bow. I set it down on the table, then untie the bow and lift the lid. The first thing I come across is a blue garter trimmed with white lace. I take it out and put it around my wrist.
“You know that doesn’t go there, right?” Lila teases, sitting up in the chair. “And it’s your something blue.”
“How very traditional of you,” I say playfully and Lila smiles as I move onto the next item, a silver bracelet with a heart charm on it.
“And that’s your something borrowed,” she informs me. “You have to give it back to me when the wedding’s over.”
“It’s pretty,” I tell her, even though it’s not really my style. But I appreciate it—her making the effort. “But I thought the dress was my something borrowed?”
She shoves the magazine aside and crosses her arms on the table. “Nah, you can keep the dress and consider it your something old. It doesn’t hold anything but painful memories for me anyway.”
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“I’m positive,” she assures me and then gestures at the box. “Take the next thing out. It can be your something new.”
I direct my attention back to the box and remove a much smaller box inside it. Inside, there’s some red, lacy fabric, which I take out and hold up. “Jesus, this is skanky,” I say wiggling my fingers through what looks like nipple holes.
She giggles. “Skanky but fun.”
I sigh, stick my hand into the box, and pull out a sequined thong. “Is this the bottom part or something?”
“It’s whatever you want, I guess,” she says with humor in her voice. “It could even be for Micha.”
I snort a laugh and drop the thong onto the lacy fabric. “This is like a sex kit, isn’t it?”
She shrugs, examining her nails. “I went into this really questionable store with sex toys and lingerie and told the clerk to pick out the best newlywed gifts.”
I slip the garter off my wrist and add it to the pile with the thong. “So you have no idea what’s in here?”
“Not a clue except for the garter and the bracelet—I added those myself. But I’m dying to find out.”
“Okay, now I’m really intrigued.” I reach in and remove the next item, a feather duster with a really long handle. “What is this for?” I run my fingers along the feathers and then shiver. “It tickles.”
She giggles, twirling a strand of her short hair around her finger. “I think that’s the point,” she says and I extend my arm across the table and tickle her face with it. “Hey, what the hell?” She laughs as I pull it away. “That’s not for me and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to tickle faces with it.”
“It could be for you. You and Ethan could totally use it.” I set the feather duster on top of the pile and reach for the last item, which is in another box, a long narrow one.
“You really want to go down that road?” she questions. “The one where we talk about our sex lives.”
I shrug as I open the top of the smaller white box, and then tip it to the side and batteries fall out. “You used to tell me all the time about the guys you hooked up with.” I pick up the batteries, scrunching my forehead.
Her expression plummets and she abruptly becomes uncomfortable. “Yeah, but I’m not hooking up with some guy. I’m hooking up with Ethan and in the past you two didn’t always seem like the best of friends.” She snatches the batteries from me with inquisitiveness in her expression and this weird look crosses her face.
“Yeah, we’ve been better though lately, and besides, regardless if Ethan and I are getting along, you can talk about stuff with me,” I tell her as I stick my hand into the narrow box. “I just don’t want to hear all the details…” I trail off as I take out the item inside it. “What in the love of God, Lila. I mean, I knew this was a sex kit, but really?”
Lila’s face turns bright red as she busts up laughing, her shoulders hunching forward. “I was sort of wondering if that was what was in there when the batteries fell out.”
I hold up a pink vibrator with this weird front part attached to it, biting my lip not to laugh. But Lila continues to laugh as she extends her arm across the table and takes the vibrator out of my hand. Then she pops the batteries inside the bottom, twists a nob, and it starts to hum. Laughter escapes both our lips as she drops it on the table and it begins to shake.
He kicks the fridge door shut and goes back over to the bags. “Do you want me to play at this party?”
I stare down at the floor. “If you want to.”
He pauses and I continue to stare at the linoleum floor until his boots appear in my line of vision, and then I angle my chin back to meet his eyes. “What?” I ask as he aims a suspicious look at me.
“What do you mean, what?” He positions himself in front of me, his jacket still speckled with wet spots from the falling snow outside. “This is bothering you and I want to know why.”
“It’s not bothering me,” I start to protest but he targets me with a warning look. “It’s just that this will be the first party we’ve ever been at as a couple.”