I bite at my fingernails. I’ve spent time with Luke, but I’m still uncomfortable being alone with guys, except for Seth. Besides, things are weird between Luke and me because we haven’t officially talked about what happened at Kayden’s. It’s the white elephant in the room, the massive, sad, heartbroken elephant. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good. And if you do, make sure to ask him about yesterday in Professor McGellon’s class.”
“Why? What happened?”
He giggles mischievously. “Just ask him.”
“Okay…” I say, unsure if I really want to. If Seth thinks it’s funny then there’s a good chance that whatever happened might embarrass me. “Have fun with Greyson.”
“You too, baby girl,” he says and hangs up.
I hit END and scroll through my contacts until I reach Luke’s number. My finger hovers over the DIAL button for an eternity and then I chicken out and drop the phone down onto the bed. I get up and slip on my Converses—the ones stained with the green paint—because they remind me of a happy time in life. I zip up my jacket, put my phone into the pocket, and collect my keycard and journal before heading outside.
It’s colder than a freezer, but I walk aimlessly through the vacant campus before finally taking a seat on one of the frosted benches. It’s snowing but the tree branches create a canopy above my head. I open my journal, pull the top of my jacket over my nose, and begin to scribble down my thoughts, pouring out my heart and soul to blank sheets of paper because it’s therapeutic.
I remember my sixteenth birthday like I remember how to add. It’s there locked away in my head whenever I need it, although I don’t use it often. It was the day I learned to drive. My mom had always been really weird about letting my brother and me anywhere near the wheel of a vehicle until we were old enough to drive. She said it was to protect us from ourselves and other drivers. I remember thinking how strange it was, her wanting to protect us, because there were so many things—huge, life-changing things—she’d never protected us from. Like the fact that my brother had been smoking pot since he was fourteen. Or the fact that Caleb raped me in my own room when I was twelve.
Deep down, I knew it wasn’t her fault, but the thought always crossed my mind: Why hadn’t she protected me?
So at sixteen, I finally got behind the driver’s seat for the very first time. I was terrified and my palms were sweating so badly I could barely hold onto the wheel. My dad had also had a lifted truck and I could barely see over the dash.
“Can’t we please just drive mom’s car?” I asked my dad as I turned the key in the ignition.
He buckled his seat belt and shook his head. “It’s better to learn on the big dog first, that way driving the car will be a piece of cake.”
I buckled my own seat belt and wiped my sweaty palms on the front of my jeans. “Yeah, but I can barely see over the wheel.”
He smiled and gave me a pat on the shoulder. “Callie, I know driving is scary, like life. But you’re perfectly capable of handling this; otherwise I wouldn’t let you.”
I almost broke down and told him what happened to me on my twelfth birthday. I almost told him that I couldn’t handle it. That I couldn’t handle anything. But fear owned me and I pressed on the gas and drove the truck forward.
I ended up running over the neighbor’s mailbox and proving my dad wrong. I wasn’t allowed to drive for the next few months and I was glad. Because to me driving meant growing up and I didn’t want to grow up. I wanted to be a child. I wanted to be twelve years old and still have the excitement of life and boys and kisses and crushes ahead of me.
“Fuck, it’s freezing out here.”
My head snaps up at the sound of Luke’s voice and I quickly shut my journal. He’s standing a few feet away from me with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans and the hood of his dark blue jacket tugged over his head.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask, sliding my pen into the spiral of the notebook.
His shoulders rise and fall as he shrugs and then he sits down beside me. He stretches his legs out in front of himself and crosses his ankles. “I got a random call from Seth telling me that I should come out here and check up on you. That you might need to be cheered up.”
My gaze sweeps the campus yard. “Sometimes I wonder if he has spy cameras all over the place. He seems to know everything, you know.”
Luke nods in agreement. “He does, doesn’t he.”
I return his nod and then it grows quiet. Snowflakes drift down and our breath laces in front of our faces. I wonder why he’s really here. Did Seth tell him I needed to be watched?
“You want to go somewhere?” Luke uncrosses his ankles and sits up straight. “I don’t know about you, but I could really use a break from this place.”
“Yeah.” I don’t even hesitate, which surprises me. Does that mean I’m getting over my trust issues?
He smiles genuinely, but there’s intensity in his eyes; something that’s always there. I used to be intimidated by it, but now I know it’s just him. Besides, I think he hides behind it—maybe fear, loneliness, or the pain of life.
I tuck my notebook underneath my arm and we get to our feet. We hike across the campus yard, heading toward the unknown, but I guess that’s okay for now. I’ll know where I’m going when I get there.
Chapter 2
#22 Make a decision that frightens you
Kayden
Ten minutes after the pills go down my throat, drowsiness takes over and I lie down in the bed. I’m about to fall asleep when the familiar scent of expensive perfume burns at my nostrils. I keep my eyes shut. I don’t want to talk to her and pretend everything’s okay and that my father didn’t stab me. I hate pretending that she doesn’t know and that she’s worried about me.
“Kayden, are you awake?” she asks in a sedated tone, which means she’s on something. She pokes my arm with her fingernail and the gesture is rough and scratches my skin. I shut my eyes tighter and cross my arms, wishing she would scrape it harder, cut the skin open and erase everything I’m feeling.
“Kayden Owens.” Her sharp voice is like nails on a chalkboard. “Listen, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s time to get your shit together. Get up, start eating better, and prove to the doctors that you’re okay to come home.”
I say nothing and don’t open my eyes. I just listen to my heart beat. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
Her breathing accelerates. “Kayden Owens, I will not let you ruin this family’s reputation. Now fix this mess.” She grabs the blanket and flings it off me. “Get up, go to therapy, and prove you’re not a threat to yourself.”