“Oh, you think that’s funny?” I sit up, still holding onto her waist, my fingertips delving into her wet skin. Beads of water are streaming down her body, her hair, her soft skin and it’s even better than I ever could have imagined. We sit there for a while, listening to the water fill up the tub, looking at each other, waiting for the other one to speak.
“Callie, I have to ask…” I massage her hip bones with my thumbs. “About the throwing-up thing.”
She stops breathing, but doesn’t move away. “I’m working on it.”
I let out a deep exhale through my nose. “You’re too skinny… to be doing that.”
“I told you it’s not about that.”
“I know it’s not about that, but regardless, it’s making you too skinny and I hate the f**king idea that you’re hurting yourself.”
I’m being a hypocrite, but it’s important that she knows how I feel because she always tells me how she feels.
“Maybe I should talk to someone,” she says, conflicted.
“Although I’ve been doing better.”
“Talking to someone would be good.” I shut my eyes and summon up some courage. “I’ve been… I’ve been talking to this therapist at the clinic. As much as I hate the f**king clinic and the reason why I was there, he seems like an okay guy.” I shift my weight as the water gets higher. “I’m supposed to keep seeing him.”
“That’s good,” she says, searching my eyes for something.
“Maybe you should tell him about what your dad did.”
My fingers pierce deeper into her skin. “I’m not sure if he’s the right person.”
“Then who is?”
She has a point. Who would I tell? My mom? My brother?
After that, the only people I know wouldn’t know what the f**k to do with the info. “Maybe I could.”
“You’re going to,” she insists and runs her hand through my wet hair, smoothing it out of my face. “And I’ll come with you.”
I’m wary and hesitant, and honestly, as much as I care about her, I really don’t want her there, listening to all the f**ked-up things I’ve done. “Callie… I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I don’t want you hearing the gory details.”
“I saw the gory details,” she says and tears form in the corners of her eyes. “I can handle hearing them… unless you don’t want me to be there.” Determination burns in her eyes.
“Callie, I really don’t think you should be there,” I protest, my insides clenching as I think about her hearing the inner workings of my screwed-up head.
She shakes her head and takes my hand. “Kayden, I can help you if you’ll just let me… Please just let me help you.”
It’s hard to say no when she’s looking at me this way, so even though I want to go alone, I hear myself saying, “Okay, you can come with me… but only if you promise me one thing.”
She nods enthusiastically. “Anything.”
“That I can be there to help you when you tell your family about Caleb.”
She considers this, looking conflicted, but then she slowly leans in and lightly places her lips against mine. “Okay,” she whispers against my mouth. “We can do this,” she mutters and I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or herself. “Because I think we’re stronger when we’re together.”
I think about last night and how she managed to calm me down and stop me from cutting. She might be right. On so many levels. “I think we should head back today… I don’t think I should have probably left in the first place… I kind of feel like I’m running away from everything.”
She nods in agreement. “It might have been a bad idea.”
“Not bad.” I inch my fingers between her legs, causing her breath to falter. “What happened last night…” I lower my voice as I dip my lips toward her ear and run my fingers across the back of her hand. I want to get as much Callie-time as possible, just in case this doesn’t end well, because in my world things generally don’t.
It’s painful to think about, but realistic, and it could end up being reckless and damaging if I didn’t see this way. “What happened over and over again…” I slip my finger inside her and her body curves into mine. “… was in no way bad at all.” I kiss her cheek as her eyes gaze off. “It was amazing.”
I start moving my finger until I drive her to the edge and she cries out my name. Then I slip my soaked boxers off and slide inside her, wanting every part of her, knowing that at any moment things can go wrong. But for once in my life, I hope they don’t. I hope everything goes okay. What that means, I’m not sure, but I want to find out.
Chapter 15
#26 Face the inevitable, whatever the hell it is
Callie
Bathtubs aren’t as gross as I thought. I’ve never been much of a bather. The idea of sitting in water and soaking in your own filth grosses me out. But after the bath with Kayden, I think I’ve had a change of heart. After we get out, we get dressed and then prepare ourselves to head out into the kitchen. It’s kind of scary, leaving the room. We’ve lived in this magical, safe bubble for the last fifteen hours and as soon as we step over the threshold it’s going to pop, especially when we tell Seth and Luke we have to go home early.
I put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, pull my hair into a ponytail, and slip my shoes on. Kayden has on a plaid shirt, jeans, and boots. His hair’s a little damp and he had to take the bandage off because it got wet in the bathtub. The wounds beneath it aren’t healing and one of them looks fresh. He notices me staring at them as he rolls his sleeve down to cover them up.
“I’m going to work on it,” he says with his head down as he buttons his sleeve. Pieces of his hair hang in his eyes and, unable to stop myself, I brush them away.
“I can’t lose you.” I’m not one hundred percent sure why I say it other than I can’t stop thinking about him lying on the floor and how I felt when I thought he wasn’t going to make it. “I need you.”
He seems to grow uncomfortable with my declaration, fidgeting with the bottom button on his shirt. It doesn’t matter, though. He needs to know. In fact, I think I’m going to tell him a lot just how much I need him and how great a person he is, because I don’t think he’s heard it that much.
“You ready?” he asks, finally looking up from his shirt. He reaches for a rubber band on top of the dresser and slips it onto his wrist.
He doesn’t press anymore. He starts packing his stuff as I gather up my clothes. I clean up a little, stalling, knowing that as soon as we walk out of the house, Kayden and I’ll be stepping back into reality and all I can hope is that it’ll be nice to us.
Chapter 16
#15 Stop torturing yourself
Callie
I’m afraid to go home and face my mother, even with Kayden at my side. Halfway there I turn on my phone to find that I have thirty-seven new voicemails and fifty-eight text messages. All are from her and it’s unbelievable and yet believable at the same time.