I bob my head up and down, not looking at him. “So did Seth, probably. He usually does it in the car, but he was being polite.”
“He could have.” Kayden laughs and it lights up his eyes. “Luke’s been smoking in my car since we were sixteen.”
Unable to help myself, I smile at the idea as I fiddle with the edge of a napkin.
“What’s so funny?” Kayden folds his arms on top of the table and the bottom of his sleeves rise up. Tiny white lines cover the back of his wrists and he swiftly jerks his sleeves down to hide them. “Come on, share whatever’s making you smile like that.”
“It’s nothing.” I raise my gaze back to him. “I was just thinking about what my dad would have said if he ever found out his running back was a smoker.”
“I think he knew he was.” Kayden leans over the table, moving closer to me. “He always seemed to know everything that we did wrong, but never said it.”
“Yeah, maybe he did, I guess. He did catch my brother smoking once and grounded him for a very long time.” Why am I talking to him like this? It’s not like me. I tip my chin down and concentrate on the list of appetizers.
“Callie, I’m sorry,” he says abruptly, flattening his palm on the table as he glides it toward mine. As his fingers brush my knuckles, I nearly choke to death.
“For what?” I sound strangled.
“For not saying thank you… for that night.” He covers his big hand on top of mine.
For a second, I like how his warmth feels, but then I’m thrown back to the place locked inside my mind, trapped and powerless.
“It’s okay.” I yank my hand away and hide it under the table. My pulse races as I stare at the menu. “You were having a rough night.”
He doesn’t say anything as he moves his hand away. I don’t look up at him, because I don’t want to see the disgusted look in his eyes.
“If I asked them if I could have a hamburger, do you think they’d make me one?” he asks, nonchalantly changing the subject.
I flip the page of the menu, with my eyebrows furrowed. “Does it say they have hamburgers?”
“No, I was kidding.” He observes me from across the table. “Can I ask you something?”
I nod warily. “Sure.”
“How come you left for college early?” he asks. “Most people want to stay home for the summer and party.”
I shrug. “I didn’t really have anything left for me there except for my parents and it just seemed like it was time to go.”
“You didn’t have a lot of friends, did you?” Recollection masks his face as he starts to put the pieces of my sad life together.
Thankfully, Seth and Luke join us at the table before he can try to dig up more details. They smell like smoke and look euphorically happy.
“Nah, they don’t really have many on campus.” Seth says to Luke as he sits down and unrolls the napkin from around the silverware. “And if they do, security usually breaks them up.”
Luke swivels a small plastic display with pictures of the beer beverages on it. “Yeah, that shit happened all the time at our school. Like this one time we had this huge bonfire, and the cops showed up and busted everyone.”
“What kind of trouble did you get in?” Seth asks, checking the watch on his wrist.
“Not too much.” Luke pops a toothpick into his mouth. “The cops in our town usually go easy on football players.”
“Figures,” Seth mutters, giving me a sidelong glance, and I offer him a sympathetic smile.
Kayden’s foot keeps bumping mine from below the table and I want to ask him to stop, but I can’t even make eye contact with him. I grow flustered because part of me likes it. I’m losing control over my feelings and I desperately need to get a hold of them again.
The waitress returns and jots down our orders. I try to do my best and order a whole meal with the intention to eat it all. When the food arrives however, my stomach clenches, and I can tell right away that I’m going to do it, just like I always do.
Chapter 3
#52 Take a Chance For God’s Sake
Kayden
It’s been a week since school started. Classes are a pain in the ass. I was warned that college would be harder, but I never prepared myself for how much solo work was required. Between that and practice, I’ve had zero time to focus on anything else in my life.
I’ve crossed paths with Callie twice since we ate at the restaurant and each time she avoids me. She’s in my Biology class, but sits in the back, as far away from anyone else as she can, focusing on her pen and paper. The girl has to have a whole notebook full of notes with how fixated she is with them.
I try not to stare at her, but most of the time I can’t help it. It’s fascinating to watch how oblivious she is to everyone. It would be nice to get lost in my thoughts, instead of always worrying about shit.
I’m getting ready to go to class, telling myself that I need to leave Callie alone, when I get a phone call from my dad.
“You left your shit in the garage,” is the first thing he says to me.
I knew the drill. Get up and hide, otherwise he wouldn’t have time to cool off. But I couldn’t move. I kept thinking about my brothers who were gone and had left me behind like an old t-shirt. We used to be in this together, now it was just me. I started to cry, like a stupid f**king baby, and I knew it was only going to piss him off more.
“Are you crying? What the f**k is wrong with you?” He didn’t slow his momentum as he raised his fist and slammed it into my shoulder.
The pain that spread up my neck and down my arm sucked my oxygen out in one swift snap of a finger and I crumpled to the floor, blinking the black spots away from my eyes.
“Get up!” He kicked me in the side, but I couldn’t get up. My legs had given up on me and with each slam of his shoe, something died inside. I didn’t even bother tucking my legs in to protect them. I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind. “You’re so useless! At least your brothers fight back. But what are you? Nothing! It’s all your fault!” Another kick, this time against my gut and the pain shot up into my head.
“Get up! Get up. Get up…” His boot slammed into my gut and his voice took on pleading. As if it was all my fault and he wanted me to make it stop. And maybe it was my fault. All I had to do was get up. But even something so simple I couldn’t get right.