My eyes moistened again. I wanted to assure him that I understood because I knew that losing his father had been hard on him, but didn’t. Instead I said, “You don’t have to explain.”
“Let’s go out for dinner tomorrow after work. I’ll book us a table wherever you want. You pick.”
Too late.
By tomorrow evening, I’d be in Oregon and Jett would be waiting for me, wondering where I was. He’d call my cell, then Sylvie’s, after which his worry would magnify. How long would he wait before filing a missing person report? Would he hire Kenny again to find me? Probably, only this time there would be no credit card purchases and no flight tickets to show me boarding a plane. Tears ran down my face. There would be many more in a future that seemed blank and depressing without him.
“Baby?” Jett said, jerking me out of my depressing thoughts. His tone was pleading, and I realized he had misinterpreted my silence. “I want to make it up to you. Maybe this weekend. No phones. No work. Just you and me, white beaches, and good food.”
“I’d love that.” I smiled bitterly, meaning every word. Now was the time to tell him all the things I wouldn’t get the chance to say to him in the future. I thought of the one thing I could say without raising his suspicion. “I couldn’t wish for a better boyfriend than you, Jett. Thank you for always being here for me and for loving me the way I am.”
Thanks for everything.
I walked over to the huge corner bathtub and turned on the cold-water stream, and shrugged out of my clothes.
“I’ll be in my office,” Jett said softly. “Call me if you need anything.”
I waited until he walked away. Only when I was completely sure he was gone did I step into the freezing water, knowing that not even the cold could numb the pain. Pulling myself under until my body was submerged with the only sound the beating of my heart drumming hard in my ears, I let my tears flow freely.
Chapter 14
I CONSIDERED MYSELF blessed. I truly did. I had experienced love. I had met that someone special who made my heart flutter and, most importantly, reciprocated my feelings. I had a best friend who’d always be there for me. I was blessed, because I had lived.
Better love and lose than never love at all.
I kept telling myself that every single second of every hour that passed. So why was it so hard to let go when time demanded that we part? Life didn’t always warn us when we had to say goodbye. If we knew when it was time to leave, maybe we’d make more of an effort to spend as many moments as possible with the people we loved. And there lay my problem—even though I knew my moments were counted, I couldn’t deal with it.
I sat in a dark place, on an unknown road, with absolutely no clue where I was headed. Desperation washed over me as I realized I might never experience this kind of happiness again. I’d never meet someone as great as Jett. Knowing I’d lose him brought out the worst in me. A part of me wanted to write a letter to tell him how truly happy I had been with him. I wanted him to know just how much I had looked forward to a future full of happiness. And yet I couldn’t. If Jett thought I had died, this letter would never bring him consolation; it would bring him guilt. I decided to do it the hard way—no letters, no hints, nothing to trace back to this one moment.
By the time Jett finished up work, it was past midnight. Apart from a sliver of moonlight falling in through the pulled curtains, the bedroom was bathed in darkness. The mattress groaned under Jett’s weight, as he lay down gently, careful not to wake me. My eyes remained closed, but I could sense his gaze on me. His arm wrapped around me, barely touching my skin, and his warm breath tickled the nape of my neck. Eventually his breathing slowed down.
Even in the darkness of the room with nothing but the feeling of his arms around me, my mind continued to seek him, as if he was already far away. I lay awake facing the digital watch. With every minute that passed, with every hour that went by, my dread intensified. At 3.15 a.m., Jett stirred and I turned to regard his sleeping features. My heart broke at the sight. Careful not to wake him, I let my fingers trace the contours of his face. But Jett had always been a light sleeper. He opened his eyes groggily and pulled me to his chest.
“Trouble sleeping?”
My throat was so choked with emotion I couldn’t reply. Instead, I just nodded. There were no more words to say, so my lips touched his mouth gently. It was just a brief kiss, but enough to wake him up instantly.
I smiled. It was a bitter kind of smile as my fingers touched his nak*d chest, marveling at the smoothness of his skin and the warmth seeping into my body. It took him only a second to process where I was heading, and then his hands slid around my head as I kissed him again. I thought crushing my lips against his would help subdue the pain. That it’d bring me relief by stealing that one last kiss. Instead it ate me up from the inside. Breaking me apart.
“I need you,” I whispered against his lips, and climbed on top of him. “Deeply. Whatever you wish.”
“You’re asking for it? In the middle of the night?” He sounded unconvinced. In the moonlight his green eyes shimmered dark, every trace of sleep gone.
“Yes,” I whispered.
I had been wrong. The pain wasn’t breaking my heart; it was killing me. I wanted to have it ripped out of my body. Fucked out of my system. Tomorrow had become today, and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“I want it rough,” I said. “I want you to f**k me like you don’t care about me. Like I’m just a stranger.”
The air between us was charged with questions unspoken. I could feel Jett’s hesitation, his doubts, his confusion.
“I can’t do that.” He sat up and pushed me away gently but definitely. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Rejecting me when I needed it the most was the last thing I expected.
I was so furious, I slapped him. Not hard, but hard enough to make him look up. I tried slapping him again, but this time he caught my wrists, pulling me close to him.
“Brooke, no,” he said, determined. “I’m not that kind of person.”
With the sun rising, the streets began to fill with life. I walked the short distance to my office and let myself into the foyer. The morning security guards exchanged glances as I showed them my ID.
“Busy day,” I mumbled by means of explanation. I ignored their chatter and headed for the elevator, ready for the second part of my plan.
I had every intention to make my last day in my job as painless to everyone as possible—even if that involved keeping people at a safe distance and, in Jett’s case, breaking up with him. It was a necessity, and the only way he’d move on with his life sooner rather than later. If only I could find a way to make him believe I didn’t care about him, I knew I’d feel better knowing he wouldn’t be hurt by the way I’d suddenly disappeared from his life forever.
***
I was about to finish sorting through the papers for the first conference meeting and placing files back in the cabinet when I heard Jett’s voice down the hall.