I have to be the picture of innocence.
Shoving off my bed, I pad to the window, sliding open the glass and leaning out over the sill. An icy breeze is blowing as golden light shines into my eyes. I wish I could run away from here, but it’s the only place I know.
At twenty, I’m nothing more than a homeless orphan. Technically, my parents aren’t really dead, only in my mind. I’ve killed them so many times, and each Sunday, I ask for forgiveness.
After stepping into the confession booth, I pray for redemption from being an evil child. I also ask for God to forgive the fact that I enjoy sex, that I bask in feeling a man inside me. And most of all, for doing it with one of his flock, Father Dominic.
I wasn’t much older than most of the girls that are brought to our church by their parents when I realized I wasn’t normal. My mind had been broken from what I’d seen.
Before coming to the convent, I spent my days getting high behind the bleachers with the rest of the emo clan. I would hide out, off my head on a thick joint, and even then, even with all the memories floating in a cloud, I still couldn't escape the nightmares. They burned through me like poison in my veins.
I was only sixteen, finding my feet as a teenager. The boy who called himself my boyfriend was nothing more than a friend who would grope me sometimes while sticking his tongue down my throat. Even though I let him go all the way one night at a house party, there was never a time I trusted a boy enough to give my heart to him.
I’d learned that sex was nothing more than a means to an end. Although my stepfather used it tocleansehis flock, I knew it was dirty. My stepdad: A sadistic priest who would prey on those who needed his guidance. That’s what brought me here at the tender age of eighteen. I was hoping to be absolved of my sins. But no amount of fucking Hail Mary’s could cleanse me of what I’d seen. The things I didn’t tell anyone about.
A knock sounds on my bedroom door to remind me it’s almost time to go, and I realize I’d been lost in my mind for far too long. Grabbing my clothes and a small towel, I head into the bathroom to shower and get ready.
Once my long brown hair is pinned in a tight bun at the back of my head, I gently situate my habit. My eyes are wide, filled with fear at what today will bring. I don’t deal well with strangers, they make me nervous, and I’m not sure I was the best choice to give the tour.
But I can’t argue.
I have to behave.
I sigh as I leave my room and make my way down to where the newbies will be meeting Sister Hilary.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I’m ushered into one of the small meeting rooms and told to wait at the front of the room. I watch as five new nuns as well as four new priests are ushered into the small space. My gaze lands on each one individually, taking in their faces.
Then my eyes lock on the last man. The man in the back. He's wearing the same black uniform and white collar as the other priests and yet he looks far too familiar to ignore. Ink snakes up his neck, sneaking behind his left ear, and I’m tempted to rip his collar off to see what it says. I can tell from here it’s some sort of script, but I can’t make out what the words are.
“Hello, everyone, before we head to the breakfast hall, we’ll do a quick run through of the convent and your rooms.” I force myself to smile, plastering on an expression of happiness when all I feel in my gut is acidic guilt. It sits low in my belly, where normally heat and pleasure would reside. I glance at the man in the back, his chocolate gaze locked on mine.
Swallowing back my nerves, I tear my gaze away and almost immediately feel the pull to glance back at him. I’m not sure what he’s doing, perhaps it’s the work of Satan, and the devil has finally come to claim me.
“Welcome to Our Lady of Heavenly Hope. We’re glad to have you here. If you would please convene in the corridor, I will show you to your accommodations as well as show you where our meal room is,” I tell them with a fake smile. “There aren’t many rules. If you’re doing votives, and would like to remain silent, there are many places where you can pray in silence.”
“And if we’re here for work?” Mr. Tall, Mysterious, and Handsome asks. I don’t know why he has such an effect on me, but I don’t meet his gaze when I respond to his question.
“You can check in with Father O’Kane,” I grin stupidly, and everyone nods slowly as they take in the old building that I know is hundreds of years old.
At the door, I step aside, waiting for everyone to move out of the room and step into the hall. Whenhereaches the doorway, he stops, pins me with those chocolate eyes, and waits. I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but I can’t offer him more than a smile.
“You didn’t think I’d be back for you?” he questions me in a low tone that sends heat skittering down my spine. “Guess some things just happen for a reason.” With a shrug, he steps into the hall, leaving me staring at his back. I can't help but notice how the dark material tapers along every dip and peak of muscle that’s hugged by the cotton.
I want to retort. I want to bite out a response of questions that burn the tip of my tongue, but I can’t just yet, so I nod then lead the group down the hallway and into the lunch area. It’s just a large hall that’s stacked with tables. Breakfasts are served in the smaller living area, but because lunch is so busy, we use the bigger space.
With every door we reach, another guy or girl leaves the group to make themselves comfortable in their rooms. Eventually, I’m left with the stranger who kissed me.
“Looks like it’s just me and you, little nun,” he coos in my ear, the warm breath from his lips causing every hair on my neck to stand on end. “Will you be a good girl, or is there something darker beneath your robes?”
From the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, I tremble at his words. I’m alight with both excitement and fear. Something about this man instills heat inside me, it warms me for a moment, but then I wonder what he’s truly doing here.
“I’ll see you at dinner this evening,” I nod, averting my gaze from his, because I know the moment I look into those deep dark pools, I’ll be lost in the abyss.
His hand catches my arm, his grip tight, but he doesn’t hurt me. He leans in farther, allowing his lips to brush along the column of my neck, just behind my ear.
“I don’t like playing games, little nun,” he murmurs low and gravelly. “So, you either help me get the information I need in here, or I send you across the border where they’ll fuck you up so bad, you won’t recognize yourself.”
Tugging my arm free, I glance up at him, meeting his endless gaze with a sardonic smile. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, can fuck me up more than I already am.” I step away, needing air to breathe that isn’t filled with his woodsy, spicy scent. “You'd do yourself a favor by not judging every book by its cover,” I bite out before turning on my heel and leaving him. I can feel his stare, hot on my back as I make my way into the church, which sits not far from where the guest block is.