Chapter One
Sunday, Aug 30, 2009
Day 2:
Vivisected. It’s the only word I can think of to describe how I’m feeling – vivisected. As though someone has cut me open with a scalpel, the pain not sinking in until the flesh begins to separate and my blood bubbles out. I can hear the crack as my ribs are flayed open. Slowly, my organs, wet and sticky, are pulled out of me one at a time. Until I am hollow. Hollow and yet, in excruciating pain – still alive. Still. Alive.
Above me, there are sterile and industrial fluorescent lights. One of the bulbs is threatening to go out and it flickers, buzzes, and struggles to stay alive. I’ve been transfixed by its Morse code for the last hour. On-off-buzz-buzz-on-off. My eyes hurt. I keep staring. Following along with my own Morse code: Don’t think about him. Don’t think about him. Caleb. Don’t think about him.
Somewhere, I’m being watched. There’s always someone here. There’s someone to tug on my various cables. One to watch my heart, another my breathing, one to keep me numb. Don’t think about him. Cables. They extend from my hand, where I receive my liquids and my drugs. They wind from my chest to monitor the beating of my heart. Sometimes I hold my breath, just to see if it will stop. Instead, it beats harder and faster in my chest and I gasp for breath. Buzzzzz-on-off.
There’s someone who tries to feed me. She tells me her name, but I don’t care. She doesn’t matter. No one does. Nothing really matters. She asks me my name as though her kindness and gentleness will move me to speak. I never answer. I never eat.
My name is Kitten and my master is gone. What could possibly be more important?
In the corner of my mind, I see him, watching me in the shadows. “Do you really think begging is going to work?” asks Ghost Caleb. He smiles.
I cry. Loud, horrible, sounds come out of me, so violent they shake my whole body. I can’t make it stop. I want Caleb. I get drugs instead. The food comes through a tube while I sleep.
There’s always someone watching.
Always.
I want to leave this place. There’s nothing wrong with me. If Caleb were here, I’d walk out of this place, happy, smiling and complete. But he’s gone. And they won’t let me grieve for him in peace.
***
Day 3:
I close my eyes and open them slowly. Caleb is standing over me. My heart races and tears of pure joy flood my eyes. He’s finally here. He’s finally come for me. His face is warm, his smile broad. There is a familiar tilt to his lips and I know he’s thinking something naughty.
A familiar tingle spreads throughout my belly and creeps down toward my pu**y making it swell and throb. I haven’t had an orgasm in days and I’ve become very accustomed to them.
“Should I let you go? You look so sexy when you’re tied down,” he says through a smile.
“I missed you,” I try to say. My mouth is unbelievably dry. My tongue feels heavy and dead in my mouth. My lips seem to have fared no better. They are chapped and when I scrape my tongue over my bottom lip, I can’t help but think of sandpaper.
The tube they have been using to feed me is crammed up my left nostril and fed down the back of my throat. It itches. I can’t scratch it. It hurts. I can’t shake it free. I feel it every time I swallow and it tastes of antiseptic.
“I’m sorry,” Caleb says.
“For what?” I whisper. I want him to tell me he’s sorry for not telling me sooner…that he loves me.
“For the restraints,” he says.
I frown. He loves restraints.
“As soon as we can be sure of your mental state, we can remove them.”
This is wrong. Really wrong.
It’s the drugs.
“Do you know why you’re here, Olivia?” a woman asks, softly.
I am not Olivia. I’m not that girl anymore.
“I’m Dr. Janice Sloan. I’m a forensic social worker for the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” she says, “The police were able to identify you from your missing person’s report. Your friend Nicole reported your abduction. We’ve been looking for you. Your mother has been very worried.”
I’m tempted to speak, so I can tell her to shut the f**k up. I can practically feel my skin crawling. Stop! Stop talking to me. But she won’t. There will be more questions, the same questions, and this time I might have to answer them. I know it’s the only way they’ll let me go. They keep me strapped down and pumped full of drugs; they say I tried to hurt my nurse. I tell them they tried to hurt me first. I never asked to be brought to the hospital. The blood wasn’t mine and the original owner wouldn’t miss it. I was fairly certain he was dead. I should know – I killed him.
“I know this can’t be easy for you. What you’ve been through…” I hear her swallow. “I can’t imagine it,” she continues. It reeks of pity and I don’t want it. Not from her. She reaches her hand out to touch mine and I instantly recoil. The harsh clang of my hands smacking against the railing of my bed is like a threat of violence. I am more than willing to inflict violence if she tries to touch me again.
She holds up both her hands and steps away. My breathing begins to settle and the black ring surrounding my vision dissipates, until the world is once again in high definition, color. Now that she has drawn my attention, I notice she isn’t alone. There is a man with her. He cocks his head and stares at me like I am a riddle he wants to solve. The look is heartbreakingly familiar.
I roll my head toward the window, staring at the light filtering through the horizontal blinds. My stomach clenches. Caleb. His name whispers through my mind. He used to look at me that way. I wonder why, since he seemed so capable of reading my mind. My body aches. I miss him. I miss him so much. I feel tears again, sliding down the corners of my eyes.
Often, it’s me. His glare is unnerving.
In Reed’s eyes I see a familiar determination and a cunning I have never been a match for.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, soft and low.
I feel as though he is telling me I have no choice but to break. Eventually, he’ll get what he wants from me. I taunt him with my silence. Sometimes he smirks at me. And then, Caleb’s specter seems much more pronounced.
When I failed to respond, the fingers of his right hand trailed across the underside of my right breast.