“Did you go to Tenerife?” Janice keeps interrupting as I try to describe wading through the Amazon. “Or Majorca? You can get some lovely packages… ”
“Er… no,” I say, feeling a twinge of annoyance. “We went to Africa… India…” I spread my arms. “Everywhere!”
“I can’t stand the heat.” Janice shakes her head. “Never could. Even in Florida.” She suddenly brightens. “Did you go to Disneyland?”
“Er… no.”
“Oh well.” Janice looks sympathetic. “Never mind. Maybe next time!”
Next time? What, next time we spend ten months traveling round the world?
“It certainly sounds like a lovely holiday,” she adds encouragingly.
It wasn’t a holiday! I want to exclaim. It was a traveling experience! Honestly. I bet when Christopher Columbus came back from America, people didn’t meet him off the boat with “Ooh, Christopher, did you go to Disneyland?”
I glance up at Mum and Dad, but they’re not even listening. They’re standing by the sink, and Mum’s murmuring something to Dad.
I don’t like this. There is definitely something going on. I glance at Luke, and he’s watching Mum and Dad too.
“We brought you presents!” I exclaim loudly, reaching for my carrier bag. “Mum! Dad! Have a look!”
With some difficulty I pull out the South American mask and present it to Mum. It’s in the shape of a dog’s face, with big teeth and huge circular eyes, and I have to say, it looks pretty impressive.
“I brought it all the way back from Paraguay!” I add with a glow of pride.
I feel like such an explorer! Here I am, bringing rare artifacts of the indigenous South American culture to Oxshott. I mean, how many people in Britain have even seen one of these? Maybe a museum will ask to borrow it for an exhibition or something!
“Goodness!” says Mum, turning it over a little nervously. “What is it?”
“It’s a traditional ritual mask made by Chiriguano Indians, isn’t it?” Janice says brightly.
“Have you been to Paraguay, Janice?” I say, taken aback.
“Oh no, love.” She takes a sip of coffee. “I’ve seen them in John Lewis.”
For a moment I can’t quite speak.
“You’ve seen them in… John Lewis?” I say at last.
“In Kingston. The gift department.” She beams. “You can buy everything in John Lewis these days!”
“Never knowingly undersold,” chimes in Mum.
I do not believe this. I’ve lugged this mask approximately six thousand miles around the globe. It was supposed to be a rare and exotic treasure. And all the time it’s been on sale at bloody John Lewis.
Mum glimpses my face.
“But yours will be the real thing, love!” she says quickly. “We’ll put it on the mantelpiece next to Dad’s golf trophy!”
An oven timer suddenly starts pinging, and I look up in surprise. Has Mum taken to baking while we’ve been away?
“Are you cooking something?” I peer at the oven, which appears to be dead.
“No!” Mum gives a trill of laughter. “That’s to remind me to check eBay.”
“eBay?” I stare at her. “What do you mean, eBay?”
How would Mum know about eBay? She doesn’t know anything about computers. Two years ago I suggested she give Luke a new mouse mat for Christmas and she went to a pet shop.