Bingo. “What do you know about her?”
“Nothing.”
“Did you know she died in a car accident a few months ago?” It hit Nathan that possibly Dad had transferred the power of attorney to Mom after Lena was killed. Had he suspected something even then?
“Yes. I knew. Why are you asking? What does this have to do with anything?”
“Just wondering. You never told me about her, or that she died.”
“Why should I? You struggled after we divorced. I didn’t think you’d want to know about her, unless he told you, of course.”
“I was a kid then. But I’m a man now. You can tell me stuff.”
She shifted in her chair. “I know, baby. But what’s the point in talking about things that just bring back the pain? You and your father were so close. I’m sorry things happened the way they did.”
He released a laugh. “Yeah, we were close, you’re right. He coached me in baseball, until he didn’t. I remember that last game. The bases were loaded. The game would be won or lost on the next play. Dad always showed up to the games, but he didn’t show up that day, even though he’d promised. I kept looking for him in the stands, and I ended up missing the catch of a lifetime. The other team won. Everyone blamed me for losing our biggest game of the season.”
Nathan hadn’t thought about that in years. Why was it coming to mind now? In that moment, he realized the incident had impacted him in every way. He constantly feared he would let everyone down. Right now, he worried he would fail as a detective in the most important case of his life—a case that wasn’t even his to solve. And yet in a way, it had fallen to him anyway. If he could just save the day and make everything right.
“Oh, honey, I didn’t know.”
“A friend’s dad brought me home. That was the day he walked out on us.”
Nathan hung his head, wishing he hadn’t relived that memory. He’d lost so much that day. Let his team down and lost their respect. Lost his family.
“Your father took a job offer,” Mom said. “A better job in Boston. That had been his dream, to be a big-city detective. I’m sorry, son. I didn’t want to move from the place where I grew up—my home—and believed raising you in a small-town environment was better for you. I didn’t think he would actually take the job and leave us. And when he made that choice, I knew I couldn’t live with him. Thinking back to it now, it all seems ridiculous.”
Nathan remembered wanting to move with Dad, but he’d been told Dad wouldn’t have time for him and couldn’t be there for him because of his new job. So their family was ripped apart. For years growing up he fought the belief that his parents didn’t love him enough. Weren’t willing to sacrifice for him.
“My dream of being a detective has only been following in Dad’s footsteps. Trying to fill his shoes.” That, and earning the respect of others. Something he’d lost as a kid that day on the baseball field, as nonsensical as that seemed now, years later.
And now he was literally picking up where Dad had left off, still on that journey trying to fill Dad’s shoes. An incredulous chuckle escaped. Who did he think he was? Nathan feared he didn’t have what it took to solve this case, a case that wasn’t officially his—present or past. In the end, he could lose his job and be the department disgrace. Disgrace his dad too. As if he should care.
But the trouble was, Nathan did care. Dad was only human, and he’d expressed his regrets on the river. And Nathan, in some deep part of himself, still wanted his dad in the stands again cheering him on.
He felt Erin watching him. Erin the psychologist. What would she think about all his crazy thoughts?