THIRTY-FIVE
Nathan felt like a bomb had dropped on him. Why hadn’t Erin shared her story, her past, with him before?
Then again, he understood. Her mother had moved them. Changed their names. Started a new life. And influenced Erin to hide everything she’d lived through. Push it all down deep. That’s why she’d had to see a therapist for so many years. Maybe her panic attacks and the necessary therapy had more to do with hiding information and keeping secrets than the actual trauma. He was no psychologist. Who was he to attempt to psychoanalyze Erin?
Still, Nathan wanted answers. He needed answers.
“After all these years, why did you suddenly choose to talk about what happened before? Why did you create that podcast now?” He tried to hide the hurt he felt. Yes, he was hurt that she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him everything, but he hurt for her also. He understood her even better now.
This was the deep, dark story of her past that she kept inside. The reason she feared the dark and the woods. Had the panic attacks. The reason for her nightmares. The drive and motivation behind her career choice and the end to their relationship.
Nathan wished she would have trusted him enough to tell him before. He would have been there for her, but in the end, maybe she’d known that opening up to Nathan wouldn’t have been enough to make a difference—the kind of difference she needed in her life. “I’m sorry, Erin.” He’d pushed too hard. He was asking too much. She owed him no explanation. He ached for her in the deepest way because he still cared deeply for her. And sitting here in this moment of truth and vulnerability, he could at least be honest with himself...
He still loved her.
Erin. She was in danger, and he would protect her with his life. She pressed her face into her hands and rubbed her eyes.
“Oh, honey,” he whispered, wishing he could do so much more for her. Take the pain away.
“I thought ... I thought if I became a psychologist, focusing on criminals, that nobody would ever see how broken I am on the inside. No one would look past my doctorate title. And I thought picking through those evil minds, I could find answers. Why do people commit such heinous acts?”
Nathan nodded, simply listening. She was telling him everything now, sharing her heart like she never had before. He’d seen her deep struggles but hadn’t known the cause. Until now. “Go on.”
“Even so, I couldn’t find the answer. So I turned to podcasting about cold cases. I wanted to dig into the past. To learn how to find the answers—why people went missing. Who were the people who dared to take someone, and then what did they do with them? Deep down I wanted to solve cold cases. Find answers.”
Erin finally dropped her hands. So many emotions swam in her gaze as she looked at him. “And there was no cold case I wanted to solve more than the one I played a role in. I couldn’t move forward until I’d finished this podcast. At least speaking the words, getting them out there for more people to hear. Or so I thought that somehow, some way, that would help me. That it would help bring closure. And if not, I at least wanted to know what happened to her. And in all of that, I hoped and prayed for answers.” She opened her palms. “In the end, maybe I’ll never know. In that case, I might always be broken.”
He eased his hand forward to take her palm. He couldn’t speak to her brokenness, but God help him, he wanted nothing more than to encourage her. She was kind and generous, sharper than anyone he knew. The most beautiful woman he’d ever met. But on the inside, she believed herself to be broken.
How did he fix that? Only God could fix her, if she was indeed broken. He knew that God drew especially near to broken souls.
“Erin...” Her name was barely a whisper on his lips.
“My efforts have backfired on me in the worst possible way.”
“Maybe not. Maybe now we can finally catch this man because of your podcast.” So, there was hope in all of this. He should have recognized that immediately. “It’s the silver lining, Erin. Don’t you see?”
Her blue-green eyes searched his face, as if she were finding her way out of a fog. His smile was for her, and she smiled in return, tears welling then spilling.
She swiped at them. “Do you really think so?”
His insides twisted just seeing the hope his words had brought her—God, please let it be so.
“I think this could be a breakthrough for you.” For us? “The big question is what to do next. How to keep you safe.”
“You’re already doing that. There’s a deputy outside, remember? And ... you’re here.” Her eyes warmed, and the corners of her lips remained tilted upward.
All good signs. Thank you, Lord.
Nathan had wanted to solve a big case, but right now, it felt like he had too many investigations, especially since they involved people near and dear to his heart.
People he loved.
He took in Erin’s face, the hope swimming in her gaze, and wanted to pull her into his arms and love her fully. And he would, given the chance.
But danger lurked around them.
The man might have caught on to the podcast but still did not know Erin’s current identity or where she lived. Nathan wouldn’t take any chances, though. “Please tell me you did not respond to him. He might simply want to confirm what he suspects is true.”