“I think this is the first time I’ve ever swum in the rain,” I said.
Sebastian drifted closer to me. “This happens quite often in Colombia. You never quite know what will happen once you walk out of your door.”
“I guess you get used to it,” I offered.
“You never get used to it. That’s the fun of unpredictable things. You get to enjoy them at their worst and their best.”
I let my legs fall below the surface so I could stand on the seabed.Unpredictable? Breaking the rules? What is he saying?
He mimicked my movement. We were standing opposite each other, close enough that I could feel the wave rushing around him, his body protecting me from the worst of it.
“Unpredictable, huh?” I murmured.
And then I did something unpredictable. Something that I had never done before. Something that was against the rules as stated in the contract. We weren’t supposed to show any intimacy unless the occasion stated so specifically.
I kissed him. Or we kissed. I don’t know which, because one moment all I knew were his eyes, and the next it was his lips. The warm breath of him, the salt of the ocean in his mouth.
It was so fast I could barely comprehend it. And then it was over. Sebastian pulled back abruptly, to the extent that I nearly fell face-first into the water, his movement shaking my balance. He caught me but not in the gentle way he had done when I had first gotten out of the hospital. His grip now was rigid, as if he didn’t want to touch me and was only doing so out of necessity. As soon as I was standing still, his hands retreated as if repulsed.
“That was against the contract,” he said, between gritted teeth. He didn’t look at me. He kept his eyes averted and then he began to move, nomarch, towards the beach. There was nothing to do but follow.
“I’m…I’m…”
“Let’s not talk about it,” Sebastian said from up ahead. He kept walking, grabbing his towel and wiping himself down. I did the same. It was like I was a child being told off for doing something wrong.
But…I was sure that he was the one that sent the signals. Or was I confused? Did I read him wrong?
“It’s dinner time.” He turned towards the path that led up to the house. He didn’t even bother to look back to check I was following him. Because I wasn’t. I was watching his back retreat up the path and disappear around the bend. Disappear just as the rain stopped and the vibrant color of the rainbow appear just where he had just been a second ago.
A rainbow. Like an upside-down smile.
* * *
I never did call my mom that night. I tried to, lying on my stomach across my bed, watching the stars appear across the sky. The little moths beat against the lamps outside my window. Listening to the crickets, musicians of the night. If you focused only on the natural surrounds, everything was exactly as it should be. Business as usual.
And yet, nothing was the same. Sebastian hadn’t even looked up at me during dinner. He’d excused himself as soon as I took my last bite and locked himself in his office for the rest of the night.
So, I’d retreated to my room on the pretext of calling my mom. But all I did was stare at her profile photo. Her smile as she hugged me close at a tennis match I had won back in Florida. The photo was from two years ago. She’d had it printed and framed, and it hung in the sitting room by her chair. “So that I may always have you close,” she had said.
What was I going to tell her now? That “my Sebastian” didn’t want to see or talk to me because I kissed him?We’re going to make a great couple, Mom. Oh, and by the way, we’re getting married! Yes, married. Can you believe it?
I couldn’t bring myself to press the Call button.
Instead, I passed the hours until I fell asleep staring out into the night sky. It was a new moon, just a sliver of light passing through, just enough to show that there is something there. Growing. Existing.
I fell asleep dreaming of the new moon, stuck in its orbit, that tiny sliver of hope never rising beyond just that. I dreamed of Sebastian’s face.
And then I dreamed of the rain pattering down on the tomato plant, the seeds being flung far into the distance. As if they never existed.
CHAPTER28
SEBASTIAN
There is something comforting about spreadsheets. Every sequence has a formula. A pattern. It is predictable, and when something goes awry, you can see it right there, and with one click you can fix it. Everything can return to its usual state of affairs.
People, too, are predictable. Their actions based on probability and possibility.
The behavior of a madman with a broken heart. The cucumber lady at the market. Parents.