Ethan took a sip, letting the burn wake him up. He preferred the chocolate milk.
“I know you thought you were being cute,” Leah said, slow and calm, like he was the one being difficult. “Using that syllabus as guidelines for falling in love or whatever. But”—she threw her arms up—“sometimes there is no map. No plan. And just standing still, staying, is the bravest thing you can do.”
“She didn’t want to stay, Leah, I told you.”
Naomi’s eyes had been bright, almost feverish, as she’d seized on the demise of their relationship like it was the simplest, easiest solution.
“She was so quick to cut everything off.”
Leah’s voice was lower when she said, “She thought she was saving you.”
“What?” The single sip of whiskey had gone straight to his head.
“Ethan, anyone who loves you knows how much Beth Elohim means to you and would want you to keep your position—would probably do whatever they could to make sure you had the opportunity to help as many people as possible.” Leah dropped her gaze to her lap. “Even if it meant losing some of your love.”
He swallowed, throat tight. They weren’t just talking about Naomi anymore. “Leah, I never meant to—”
“I know,” she said, quick to cut him off. “We all know.” She gave him half a smile. “You’re insufferably noble in that way.”
Confirmation of his fears washed over him, but instead of burning like acid the way he’d always expected, it fell like rainwater—surprisingly clear and clean. Acceptance had a funny effect on weakness.
“Mom and I, we’re so proud of you, E. Even when we don’t alwaysget what you’re doing or why. We love you for believing in something bigger than yourself. For wanting to make the world better. For caring so much it’s actually kind of painful to watch sometimes.” She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “And I’m sure Naomi does too. I’m sure she did what she did out of love, like a fool, and I know that’s why, like a fool, you let her.”
“I let her.” Realization came slowly and then all of a sudden. He’d let his own fears of demanding too much from her muddy his conviction.
“You’ve always struggled to accept that sacrifice is an inherent part of love. That it’s inevitably going to hurt sometimes if you care enough.” Leah took a deep breath. “Think of this experience through the lens of your syllabus. Love, like faith, asks us to be less selfish. Less greedy. It asks us to trust. To sit with our doubts. To keep coming back and proving our commitment.”
“When did you get wise?”
“Look, no one could work in reality TV for as long as I have and not become an expert at observing and orchestrating the human condition.”
Ethan got to his feet so fast he sent his chair rocking back on its legs. “Leah, I have to go.”
“Yeah. You do,” she said, folding her arms behind her head. “The smart one rests her case.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
NAOMI HAD BROKENup with people before.
Usually, the dissolution of a romantic attachment made her hungry in every sense of the word. Made her seek out activities that caused her hair to whip across her face. Sent her in search of loud bars and spicy food. People who would bite her neck and press her against door frames. Experiences that hurt, but in a good way.
Not this time.
Ending things with Ethan had made her numb. Turned her heart into a fail-safe. Nothing in. Nothing out.
Evidently, some people had noticed.
“I’ve got a plan,” Clara announced, storming into her office like a pint-sized cyclone the day after the breakup.
Naomi paused the footage she was reviewing and took off her headphones.
“No.”
Plans meant action, and Naomi mostly wanted to stay as still as possible. Everything hurt when she moved.
“Yes.” Clara waved a notebook at her. “I’ve made a list of things youcan do to feel better, with various action items on a sliding scale of intensity.”
Naomi wiped a hand across her face. “I don’t need your list, Connecticut. I need a nap.”