“Olivia, I am not, nor have I ever been, suicidal,” I begin slowly. “That is not something you need to worry about with me, I promise.” My thumb wipes another tear. “Remember I told you my parents are dead?” She nods and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. “I was ten. My brothers and I were staying with my grandparents. Luce was sick, so she was home with them. We can talk about it more later, but for now, long story short, gang members broke into our house and murdered them while Luce was hiding in the closet.
“I saw what that did to her, to my brothers, and to my entire family. I know what it did to me. I can’t—” I stop as an ache emerges in my throat. “A death of any kind is so ugly and so hard to deal with. It scares the hell out of me, Olivia. There’s nothing in this world bad enough for me to do that. I’d rather suffer every day than knock on death’s door, and there’s no way I could leave my siblings.” Swallowing hard with my pause, I softly add, “Or you. I couldn’t leave you either.”
Her eyes carefully watch me before she throws her arms around me. “Promise?” she whispers in my ear.
“Promise,” I echo. I hold her for a second before deciding I’ll talk some more. I’m on a roll, why stop now? “I’m sorry about last night. I was being an ass, but I just…don’t want all the easy conversations to go back to my hard ones. We don’t need to talk about my problems every day, I don’t want to do that. Sometimes, I want my only concern to be you, making you happy, and playing video games or doing yoga. I ignored this shit for so long while it consumed my life anyway. I don’t want to let that happen when I’m with you. I’ll be open and talk to you as much as I can. You can’t make it our focus, though, or I’m going to keep being an ass because I’m not going to talk about it all the time.”
That last sentence makes her laugh. “Okay, I understand.” Olivia pulls out of our hug, cuddling against me. “Thanks for talking to me, Corey.”
“Thank you for talking to me,” I reply. We’re quiet for a few more minutes, watching TV before I ask, “Do you want to go out tonight?”
“No, let’s just stay here.”
She eats another slice of pizza a while later. I like kicking back and relaxing with her, especially now that our world is right side up again.
“You’re going home for spring break, right?”
“Yeah, during the week, I am. I haven’t decided on three or four days yet. Maybe two. I don’t know,” she sighs. “I’ll figure it out later.”
This is the perfect time. “Do you want to go with me next weekend? I’ll make it one big date weekend.”
Olivia lifts her head and looks at me, eyes wide and lips parted. “A date weekend?” she repeats. “You’re asking me out. For a date.” A slow smile begins to form and I chuckle. “I’d love to, Corey.”
“Good.” I kiss her and then we watch TV until we fall asleep on the couch.
WE WENT TO the movies on Sunday. Afterwards, I cooked us supper. She stayed with me that night, but has since gone back to her apartment for the most part. I’ve done yoga with her every night after work. Sometimes we play video games, sometimes we watch One Tree Hill. This morning, I’m coming into work early with Hank since I have my therapy appo
intment and an appointment with Dr. Stewart this afternoon.
Hank is always talking, explaining in detail whatever it is we’re doing. There are a few tasks I’ve mastered and am allowed to do alone, but mostly, I’m his sidekick. His words from our lunch are on repeat. It’s all I can think about. We’re marking measurements when I blurt out what I want to tell him.
“Olivia told me.”
He stops and stands upright, so I follow his lead. “It’s around that time, I thought she might. Ben told me she stayed with you all last week.”
I nod. “She did. She was having nightmares.”
His shoulders slump as if he was hoping I wouldn’t tell him that. “How was she? Doing better now? That’s one thing she refuses to talk about anymore, but the nightmares weren’t that bad last year, if I remember correctly.”
Clearing my throat, I say, “Might be because I was in them too. She’s fine now, though. I have my issues, but I just wanted to say that she won’t get hurt like that from me.”
He eyes me for a moment before nodding his head. “Let’s get back to work.”
I let myself get lost in the sounds of power tools, boots walking back and forth on the wood floor, and the small talk. It’s one of the best work days ever. I wish my dad could see me now. It’s all I can think about as I walk into Dr. Stewart’s office. Shaking my head, I throw those thoughts away. There’s no need for them.
“How’s it going, Corey?” he asks as I sit down.
“Better. Work’s good, Olivia’s good, I’m good.”
He laughs. “Sounds like everything is all figured out and going as planned, then. Any trouble sleeping?” I shake my head. “Any more-than-normal irritability?”
This time, I laugh. “Nope.” I must be having a really good day if he can make me laugh.
He smiles. “You’re feeling good with the meds too? No side effects we should be concerned about? Are they working well enough?”
“No problems so far. Um,” I stop myself from asking a question that was on the tip of my tongue. “Never mind.”
“What is it?”