Just the idea made me nauseated. I knew the kind of pain that could potentially bring.
“I don’t know, I’ve got a lot of work…”
“Oh, Emily, come on! I know you’re studying nonstop, and I know you can spare an hour. Please? I miss you. I’ve barely seen you in weeks. And I want to make sure you’re okay, so just humor me?”
“Okay, yeah, sure,” I acquiesced. I didn’t know how I could say no to her. She was my best friend, and all she wanted was to eat with me.
I followed her out of the room and into the living room, where the pizza box was already open on the coffee table. She had two plates laid out as well as two glasses of wine.
I smiled at her, though I didn’t feel like smiling at all. “You know the way to my heart.”
“Always,” she agreed. “So, how have you really been?”
I didn’t want to talk about my feelings; I was afraid I might fall into them and be unable to dig myself out. But I guess that was the only healthy thing to do. I couldn’t continue to bury myself in my emotions.
“Not so great,” I admitted.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“I’m not even sure what there is to talk about,” I said as I took a greasy slice of pizza and slid it onto my plate. “Like, I’m sad for an obvious reason, and it was my decision, so I don’t know if I can really complain about it, you know? Who else did this besides me?”
She grabbed her own slice of pizza. “That’s not the measurement of whether or not you can be sad, Emily. You have a right to vent even about choices you make. People are sad about necessary choices all the time, and about things they regret…”
She said that a little weird, ‘things they regret.’ There was an odd inflection to it.
“Are you trying to imply something?”
She sighed. “Okay, Emily, you know I’m your best friend, and I’m here for you, so I’ve mostly kept my opinions to myself, because it’s none of my business. I’m here for you no matter what. But now, I’m thinking maybe you might need to hear this…”
“Hear what?”
“Hear that you’re allowed to have regrets,” she said boldly.
I still wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “Okay…”
“In life, in relationships, we all make mistakes. Especially when we’re getting out into the dating world for the first time. Nobody’s perfect. And I don’t think you’re used to not being perfect.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as I took a bite of pizza. “I know I’m not perfect.”
“Yeah, but you always strive for perfection, and you always beat yourself up when you can’t reach it. You’re a perfectionist to your core, and I know it’s hard for you to focus on things you’ve done wrong. And I’m not saying that you were wrong to break up with Kaitlyn, necessarily. It’s not my choice to make, I have no idea if it’s right. But you do, and you’ve seemed… not very happy with your choice.”
I glanced off to the side, staring at the white wall of our living room. She was right; it was hard for me to deal with my failures. And because I didn’t deal with or face my failures, I just… didn’t know if this was a failure.
“I can’t even be sure that I made the wrong choice,” I told her. “I’m unhappy about it, but does that mean it was wrong? I’m also doing better in school, which is what I wanted, but…”
“But you’re still not sure,” she finished for me, leaning against the arm of the couch.
“Still not sure.”
“Well, for once, maybe you need to stop thinking with your head. How do you feel about the choice? How do you feel about Kaitlyn, and how do you feel about school? Love and relationships can’t be all about logic, not when they pertain so much to our emotions.”
“I mean… I just feel bad. I love Kaitlyn, and I don’t love school, but it’s a necessity. I don’t know when is the right and wrong time to put necessity over love.”
“Maybe never,” she smiled, “but you know me. I’m a true romantic.”
“And you know me,” I responded. “I’m not.”
“Are you sure? Because with Kaitlyn, you were sure starting to seem like it.”