Back home he managed to force down some food after a shower, and then got his brain back into work mode. The unhappiness and frustration were still there, but muted now—an irritating background hum rather than a deafening roar.
Alec supposed he’d better get used to it. He had a feeling those emotions weren’t going to go away anytime soon.
Alec was already at his desk when Ed arrived in the office on Monday. He steeled himself before looking up and greeting him with a light “Good morning.” His heart pounded. He was anything but casual on the inside.
“Hi, Ed,” James said from behind his laptop.
“Morning,” Ed replied. His blue gaze rested on Alec for a moment before Ed busied himself with getting out his laptop.
There, that wasn’t so hard, Alec told himself. If all went well, they’d only be working together for another week or so anyway. Once this deal was closed, chances were Ed would move on to gain experience with a different team, and Alec would be able to breathe again.
Forcing himself to focus on making notes for the morning briefing, Alec wasn’t paying attention as other members of the team drifted in and took their seats around him. It wasn’t until he heard a loud exclamation from Jen that he realised most of the others were clustered around Maria’s desk. She had her laptop open, and people were admiring something on the screen.
“They’re such a handsome couple,” Jen said. “And they look so in love.”
“They are.” Maria smiled. “It was a lovely wedding.”
“I’ve never been to a gay wedding.” James sounded put out. “Ed, if you ever get married, will you invite me?”
Ed chuckled. “Sure, James. You’ll be top of my guest list, as long as you promise to save a dance for me.”
Alec’s stomach flip-flopped like a fish. He felt sudden intense envy for Ed and his honesty. He made being out look so easy, when for Alec his orientation was this huge, shameful secret he’d hidden for years. Ed was going to be able to have his career without needing to lie about his life and relationships. Maybe, if Alec had been brave earlier, he could have had that too. But he’d dug himself into a hole where the sides were so steep he couldn’t see what lay outside—unless he could find the courage to try climbing out.
Alec realised he was being antisocial and was in danger of attracting unwanted attention, so he made himself get up and approach Maria’s desk. “Can I see?” he asked.
The others parted to make space for him, Ed on his left and Jen on his right, and he found himself staring at a photo of two men in dark suits. They were facing each other, their hands clasped between them, and they gazed into each other’s eyes as if nobody else existed in the world.
Alec tried to think of an appropriate comment, but he floundered, half-formed platitudes sticking in his throat. Maria clicked through to the next photo, which showed the same couple on a dance floor, kissing each other while a crowd of people looked on, smiling and clapping.
Katherine’s voice from behind Alec’s shoulder made him start; he hadn’t realised she’d come in. “Oh, what a beautiful photo.”
The warmth in her voice prodded at the sore spaces inside Alec. He was denying himself that acceptance because he wouldn’t even try to be honest.
Trapped by the people around him, Alec couldn’t move away without making it into an issue. So he was forced to watch as Maria scrolled through several more pictures. Achingly aware of Ed beside him, close enough to touch, Alec gritted his teeth and pasted a closed-lipped smile onto his face. He hummed sounds of approval and hoped nobody would notice his inner turmoil.
Finally he was saved when Maria closed the photo window and turned. “Sorry, Alec. I just realised we’ve gone past the time for the briefing. I’ll stop distracting us with my brother’s wedding photos.” She smiled up at him.
“No problem,” Alec said, but the group was already breaking up, ready to work. “Okay, let’s adjourn to the breakout room.”
In the final week running up to the signing of the purchase agreement, the workload was intense. Every last detail had to be checked and double-checked. The whole team worked twelve-hour days and were also burning the midnight oil at home.
Alec and Ed only interacted on a professional level, but every time Alec let his guard slip and memories of their weekend together crept into his consciousness, he was assaulted by a longing so intense it took his breath away like a kick to the stomach.
On Friday morning they assembled in the office ready to take the car over to their client’s offices for the final face-to-face exchange, arranged at Mackenzie’s insistence. Alec was going with Katherine, who had invited Ed to come along for the ride.