That is what one needs to climb the spire.
“We don’t need you,” the one she calls Michael says.
“Can you read what she writes? Have you been to the very center of the world?” They haven’t, I know that. And I know that Prey has already agreed for me to join their group. I can see it in her eyes, but without her voice, she can’t convince the other two.
“He’s too changed,” Tail adds.
“Exactly. That’s how you know I’m not lying. You want to protect her, and I admire that. But even if you fight a dozen more times, you will not be ready for the center.” I look at Prey and hold her gaze even though she can’t see my eyes. “I can guide you through the worst, but I can only fight so much as I am almost too far gone.”
It’s true I could kill her protectors and leave with her, but I will be in the same situation as they are now, not enough. Have I ever been enough?
It has taken me a long time to realize that being on my own has not served me well. But then few monsters work together for any length of time. I began watching Michael and Tail a while ago because they were helping each other. I was intrigued, and I liked their cave as it gave me places to hide and watch and they didn’t even know I was there.
Prey did. She sensed me. But I didn’t know how to introduce myself, and I didn’t think I would be accepted.
If they don’t accept me, I will not take her from them. I don’t know what I’ll do.
The need to belong is so consuming for a moment I can feel the weakness in my body. I want a damn body. I want to feel her touch like they can. Jealousy and lust are a noxious mix, and I drank the poison every time the monsters bedded her—sex is another thing I rarely see here. Sex that doesn’t end in the death of one participant, that is.
That’s how I know these three are different. Rather than destroy them or pick them apart, I want to be like them. I want her to unlock the changes in me and give me flesh again.
“So you can’t fight, but we are supposed to trust you?” Tail rattles, not with anger, though that is what he is trying to portray. I can smell his fear.
I smile even though it is something only I can feel. “If I wanted you dead, you would be already. So settle down.” I lift what I think of as my hands, but they are nothing but long claws, in what is supposed to be a non-threatening manner.
Prey lifts her small, pale hand and places it against mine. I swear I can feel her palm, her pulse. Though that could be my imagination and desperation. I try to absorb the moment so I can hold on to the memory of what it is to be touched. I want them to succeed, for my sake and theirs. Time has given me a long time to reflect, and no one belongs here.
Not even those who are so changed they are no longer recognizable as human. Not as long as they possess the tiniest seed of humanity. Or as Prey put it, compassion.
That she can look at me and accept me is all I need.
Will it be all her monsters need?
Michael scowls, but he does that whenever he doesn’t like something. Tail swishes with annoyance. I know their patterns—though Michael is changing fast like he’s teetering on the edge of either going full monster or full human. I wouldn’t put a penny on it either way.
When she pulls her hand away, her palm is bloodied from my claws. I don’t understand how when I’m sure she didn’t touch their razor-sharp edges.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t mean to hurt her, but that’s all I’m capable of now. It’s the reason I didn’t reveal myself for so long, but when she changed, I had to. I can’t allow this trio to fall apart because she made one mistake. No one here is innocent, and Michael and Tail need to understand one mistake doesn’t destroy the possibility of success. They are too young.
Tail hisses.
“Don’t hiss at me when you ate her toe.” I am death and darkness, and the memories I have fought to retain. Memories aren’t worth much here, but I stopped caring about what would serve me well here when I climbed down the spire. I can’t help the pain I cause everything I touch. “What I did was accidental.”
That shuts him up.
It’s Michael who leans in and kisses her palm, though the kiss becomes more of a lick, like he enjoys the taste of her blood a little too much. I want to taste her, but for that I’d need a tongue and I don’t have one, at least not one I can lick her with. I can speak and feel my tongue in my mouth. And I can see, but from staring at my reflection in the puddles I know am nothing but claws.
A nightmare.
For a moment I regret stepping forward and letting them see me. Her blood drips into the dirt. I will only cause her more pain before we are free of this place.
But we will get free, or I will disappear trying.
Michael keeps hold of her hand. “It’s up to you, Julie.”
“I don’t trust him,” Tail helpfully adds.
“Of course you don’t. We’re monsters. We aren’t supposed to work together. We are supposed to fight. That’s why your alliance with Michael was always fraught and you could never truly be friends. That you were able to form an alliance that has lasted so long is interesting.”