Her head tilts a little, but she doesn’t speak. God, if she would just yell at me and tell me that she hates me, it would be better than nothing at all.
“I didn’t sleep with her.”
“It’s not my business,” she says, her words coming out broken and filled with emotions, and despite her being upset, it tells me that she feels something. She’s not completely closed off to this entire thing.
“You’re my wife. It is your business. I made vows today, and I plan to take them seriously.”
All this time, I’ve wanted her eyes on me, but dread fills my soul when she finally looks up and her expression is completely blank.
Chapter 13
April
“I don’t want to fight with you.” Those words are the truth. I’m exhausted as it is. Fighting is only going to drain me of energy I just can’t spare right now.
What’s done is done. What he did that night can’t be changed. The words we spoke today can’t be taken back. Nathaniel Fosse is now my husband, and with that comes a certain level of obedience and submission. To be a good wife, I have to forgive him of his transgressions, and just do better.
His fingers flex on his slacks, the dark fabric betraying the sweat coming from his palms.
“I don’t want to fight either, but I’d prefer it over that look of indifference.”
“I have no right to feel any kind of way. I apologize for being upset.”
He growls, standing to his full height and pulling on his hair. I cringe back. Charles didn’t often hit his women in front of others—despite the evidence of his punishments often being seen on their skin—but when he did, this is exactly what it looked like. Seconds before he would strike someone for upsetting him, he’d remind them that he hated being forced into being a man who has to use his hands to deliver redemption.
“You do, April. You have every right to be upset. I snuck out of the clubhouse like I was doing something wrong, and fu—crap. Now I know it was wrong, but I didn’t leave to betray you.”
“There’s no betrayal.”
He stops in his tracks, eyes narrowing at me, but instead of taking a step closer, he takes two steps back. “Do not treat what we have like the things you saw on that compound. I am not Charles Knight. You are not going to be some subservient wife who doesn’t speak up when she’s upset.”
I keep my mouth closed, unsure if he’s tricking me or not.
“I should’ve talked about it. I should’ve used the phone instead of going there in person, but honestly I didn’t even remember Nova. I didn’t think of her until—”
His mouth clamps closed, and he turns away from me.
“Until what?”
His face is red when he turns back around to look at me. “Until I was lying there next to you thinking about how long I was going to have to go without… sex.”
“So then you jumped up and went to her? I know you said you wanted to explain, but this isn’t really helping. We can just act like it never happened. I’m fine with that.”
“Are you not listening? I didn’t even remember her. She didn’t even come into my head once since you showed up.”
“Until you thought about having sex.”
“Jesus, April. I was counting backward okay. I know that makes me a complete jerk. I get it, but I was trying to figure out how long it had been while also trying to consider how long it might be until it happened again. She was the last person I fuc—slept with. I know it’s messed up, but that’s the truth. I wasn’t lying there beside you thinking of sleeping with her. It was a passing thought, like man, I haven’t had sex since I slept with Nova a couple of weeks ago.”
“I know sex is a big deal to men. That’s why I said you could—”
“If you tell me one more time that I have permission to fuck other women, I’m going to lose my shit, April,” he growls. “I don’t want to sleep with other women.”
Does that mean he wants to sleep with me? I know I offered it, but I’m not sure about actually following through with it.
“I was back at the clubhouse within twenty minutes of leaving. I went to Nova’s apartment, told her I couldn’t see her any longer and came back. You were already gone. Besides, it takes—”
He clamps that dang mouth closed once again.
“I thought we were being honest with each other. What aren’t you telling me?”
“I take a hell of a lot longer than twenty minutes, April. I’m very thorough.”
I cringe at his words, not because of the sexual implications, but because sex has never been pleasant for me.
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing,” I mutter.
“I thought we were being honest with each other,” he says, throwing my words right back at me.