Lilliana nodded. “He was a good guy, and we’d gotten to know his wife and his kids really well. It’s hard because we’d become a family, an imperfect and slightly dysfunctional family, but a family just the same.”
“I get that, and I’m really happy you guys had that.” Kate frowned, pausing. “It’s nothing I’ve ever really had a chance to experience. I’ve been close with my former partner, but it’s not the same thing. I didn’t do anything with him and his family. I didn’t have that kind of relationship.”
“No, but it was respectful, right?” she asked, with a questioning note.
“Very.” She smiled. “We had broken up before I made this move. He was happy for me when I made detective, even more so when I got this job.”
“Good. Yet how would he have been if you two were still together? He might not have been so happy. All too often, some of these guys don’t really like it when you move on and up.”
“I don’t think they consider iton and up. It was definitely a shift. It’s not like it’s a promotion.”
“No, but it’s not easy to get, and, then when you make it, it is something to be celebrated. We didn’t do that for you, and I’m sorry about that.”
Kate shrugged. “Don’t worry about that. It’s not like school, and I don’t need a reward every time I achieve something in life. It was enough to know that I’d made it.”
Lilliana smiled. “One of these days we’ll have to go to the pub and have a beer, at least take a few minutes and connect a bit more. We need to celebrate the wins that we do have.” She followed her words with a yawn. At that point she groaned. “We were here late last night. I may have to go home after all. I was really hoping to stay and to get through some more of this, but it might have to wait.”
“Take it home and see how you feel when you get there,” Kate said.
“I could, but I’m supposed to be meeting that partner later tonight.”
“Ah. That’s the thing about partners,” she said. “They tend to screw up your plans.”
At that, Lilliana chuckled, stood, and grabbed her jacket. “You know that tomorrow will be another day.”
“I know,” Kate said, “but how do you reconcile that with the reality that tomorrow somebody else will be dead too?”
Lilliana stopped at the doorway, looked at her seriously. “Because that person will be dead whether we do anything about it or not. We can’t save them all, Kate. We can’t even save most of them,” she replied, her tone dropping painfully. “All we can do is the best we can, and that means being sharp and on target ourselves. The quicker you burn out, the harder it’ll be to handle some of these jobs, and there won’t beanytomorrow for them.”
“I know.” Kate caught Lilliana’s glare directed at her. “No, I really do.”
Lilliana added, “Ignoring that advice and working yourself to an early grave won’t help anybody.”
“So? You think I should go home too?”
“Absolutely. Call Simon back and tell him that you’ll see him. Reconnect with life and find the reason why we’re doing this. Because we can’t keep doing it if we don’t have that passion and that goal anymore.”
“You’re right.… It’s too hard without that purpose and goal and passion,” Kate said.
“Yes, it is. There’s got to be that purpose in life, but it can’t overtake your whole existence. It’s all about balance.” And, with that, Lilliana turned and walked out of the bullpen and the building.
Knowing Rodney was coming back, Kate sat here and waited. But, when Rodney called her instead, she said, “Does this mean you’re not coming back?”
“No, I’m not actually. I headed out to get food, but I’m not feeling all that great.”
“I was thinking about going home myself,” she confessed.
“Do it. I know this case is sitting there, and it’s bothering you. It’s bothering me too, but the odds of somebody else dying because of it tonight are extremely low.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn’t feel like a good enough reason.”
“You’re not walking away from the case, and you’re not doing anything more beneficial than anybody else could be doing right now. Remember. We’re part of a team, and part of our mandate is to look after ourselves, so we can come in and do the job again another day.”
“Got it. I heard the same lecture from Lilliana.”
“Then listen to your team.” He laughed. “I’ll see you in the morning.” And, with that, Rodney rang off.
Kate sat here at her desk for a long moment, then got up, closed down everything that needed to be closed down, and walked outside. An ever-so-slight drizzle of rain fell. She tilted her face to the sky and let the drops fall on her, absorbing the freshness, the moisture, the cleanliness.