“Am I responsible?” she asked quietly. “I must be. I was riding my bike, when it was hit by the car.”
“Did you feel like the hit was intentional?”
“No, not at all. I just wasn’t paying attention.”
“Is that the truth? Were you not paying attention, or you just don’t remember?”
“I don’t know. It was terrible—whether I assume that or I just wasn’t paying attention, I don’t know.”
“And it’s quite possible. When the weather is bad, your head would have been down.”
She sighed. “I also had taken a blow that day too.”
“What kind of a blow?”
“My husband, he asked for a divorce,” she whispered in a soft voice.
“Ouch, and yet you’re still together?”
“Not for long. I think he’s only stayed because I was,” she hesitated, then used the word, “fragile.”
“Fragile,” he said.
“Yes, and I think he was afraid I would hurt myself.”
Simon knew instinctively that she would have too. “I’m very sorry. It’s hard to lose a child and your sight and your marriage.”
“You know about my sight?” she asked hesitantly.
“A little bit, all I see are shadows coming from your eyes.”
“Yes,” she whispered, “shadows. Sometimes I wonder if they aren’t the shadows of my life instead of the shadows that I see.”
“Whatever metaphor you need to use, just know that you don’t have to remain a victim.”
“It’s not being a victim, and I deserve all the guilt that I can take because I caused the loss of that beautiful child.”
“And when would you ever get over it?” he asked curiously. “When would you ever be absolved of this guilt?”
“Never,” she said passionately. “Somebody has to pay.”
He winced because it sounded a little too close to some religious fervor that he wasn’t comfortable with. “Who told you that?”
“Everyone,” she said quietly. “Everyone.”
“Do you belong to a religion?”
“No. Not really. And I wouldn’t be allowed to go now anyway because I’m too unclean.”
“Unclean?” he asked, questioning.
“Guilt. It stains my soul.”
He shook his head, more worried about Pamela than before. “In my world, God absolves us of our sins, if we are truly repentant.”
“That’s because you aren’t guilty. The guilty find no peace in our souls.”
“I get that. I really do. But I wonder how much of that talk is coming from other people.”