The ruby that had lodged itself inside of him during the transformation became lighter, and as he got used to it being so much smaller in the core of his body, he instinctively knew that this tiny piece of rock was what gave him life. The tree that touched him with its little branches throughout the ordeal, finally backed away, leaving him in peace. He was glad Knight revealed the trees shared some kind of connection and he wouldn’t have to go through all this suffering four more times this night.
“That’s it,” he choked out, and sat back on his ass, still not fully grasping how to control this new physical form. On the Other Side, his existence had been much simpler. He’d been one with all and never felt loneliness, sadness, or pain. Back there, he just was, forever content, his thoughts intertwining with those of others without limits. Now there was a barrier isolating him from everything else, delicate yet impossible to cross on a whim, his own cage of flesh.
With the clothes on his back, he was a bit more comfortable, but his toes were so cold he might soon stop feeling them at all.
Knight, the man who’d offered him the jacket, watched the glinting mist that originated in Shadow’s insides float in the air. “That looks great. Could you do this as a party trick?” he asked.
Shadow stared at Knight, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. A mixture of the knowledge that came with the body, and what he understood from being Gray’s shadow helped him easily form words in his head, but sometimes he came upon obstacles hard to overcome.
One moment, the world around him and the words to name all concepts were within grasp, and then he’d stumble upon a mental sinkhole. A word he didn’t know, an expression he didn’t understand even though he knew it had existed in his consciousness once. Neither the body nor the shadow form offered memories he could easily pick up on either. He knew he’d been tied to Gray forever, and yet he didn’t remember any details.
“A trick? It feels like I’ve lost a part of my soul.” He rubbed his face with freezing hands, but then sat back and watched the ruby dust settle on the small black tree in front of them. It had grown out of one of the stones Knight had planted. Shadow didn’t need to be told any of this. He knew. He could sense the pulsing of the seed just by touching the dirt. Hidden away underground, it absorbed the ruby spores through the baby tree that had grown out of it, and would soon send the nourishment Shadow provided to its siblings through the vast root network the five of them had developed since planting.
He didn’t remember ever learning this, or hearing it from Baal. The knowledge was just there for him to reach the moment he thought about it.
Shadow’s insides ached from the coughing, so he curled up, covering his face—the set of features that now betrayed what he thought—and smelled the green undergrowth. He could sense the bitter aroma of earth too, and the combination was so pleasant he wished to just lie down where he was and stop thinking about pain.
“You’re so dramatic. There is no soul because you’re not a person,” Gray said, approaching him with soft strides.
Shadow’s skin instantly peppered with goosebumps, the pain of expelling the spores instantly forgotten in the face of Gray’s attention.
Oh, Gray. His other half in this forsaken world. The one being who could help him reach the same peace he’d felt being one with the others, perfectly comfortable in their master’s care. When Gray moved, so did Shadow. That’s how it had always been, and this new enforced separation left a hole in Shadow’s heart that could only ever be filled with this one man who was so beautiful, so hurtful, yet so unbelievably perfect.
Shadow’s mind hadn’t been the same when they’d first parted, but now that he’d incorporated the human’s bones, he gained a new outlook and was slowly realizing that Gray’s feelings and thoughts didn’t necessarily mirror his own. Where Shadow couldn’t stand being apart, Gray not only kept him at a distance but also made his hostility obvious.
“What makes a person? I have a body and a name.” A new name, but he liked it in its simplicity. There were many shadows, but only one Shadow. Him. He was the one plucked out of the swarm and given freedom to roam beyond the borders of their realm.
But what kind of freedom was it if he didn’t want to leave his human’s side anyway?
Knight groaned. “Wow. A philosophical monster. This will be fun.”
“I don’t think that’s what Descartes meant when he came up with ‘I think, therefore I am’,” Gray said in a tone Shadow was starting to recognize as intentionally mean. Why did his other half hate him so much? If he wanted his shadow back, Shadow could continue living by his side. Always there, always just inches away and ready to show up across from the sun.