'Fairly straightforward,' he said, thinking quickly. 'A case of mortis portalis tackulatum with complications.'
'What's that mean?' said Chidder.
'In layman's terms,' the doctor sniffed, 'he's as dead as a doornail.'
'What are the complications?'
The doctor looked shifty. 'He's still breathing,' he said. 'Look, his pulse is nearly humming and he's got a temperature you could fry eggs on.' He hesitated, aware that this was probably too straightforward and easily understood; medicine was a new art on the Disc, and wasn't going to get anywhere if people could understand it.
'Pyrocerebrum ouerf culinaire,' he said, after working it out in his head.
'Well, what can you do about it?' said Arthur.
'Nothing. He's dead. All the medical tests prove it. So, er . . . bury him, keep him nice and cool, and tell him to come and see me next week. In daylight, for preference.'
'But he's still breathing!'
'These are just reflex actions that might easily confuse the layman,' said the doctor airily.
Chidder sighed. He suspected that the Guild, who after all had an unrivalled experience of sharp knives and complex organic compounds, was much better at elementary diagnostics than were the doctors. The Guild might kill people, but at least it didn't expect them to be grateful for it.
Teppic opened his eyes.
'I must go home,' he said.
'Dead, is he?' said Chidder.
The doctor was a credit to his profession. 'It's not unusual for a corpse to make distressing noises after death,' he said valiantly, 'which can upset relatives and-'
Teppic sat bolt upright.
'Also, muscular spasms in the stiffening body can in certain circumstances-' the doctor began, but his heart wasn't in it any more. Then an idea occurred to him.
'It's a rare and mysterious ailment,' he said, 'which is going around a lot at the moment. It's caused by a - a - by some- thing so small it can't be detected in any way whatsoever,' he finished, with a self-congratulatory smile on his face. It was a good one, he had to admit. He'd have to remember it.
'Thank you very much,' said Chidder, opening the door and ushering him through. 'Next time we're feeling really well, we'll definitely call you in.'
'It's probably a walrus,' said the doctor, as he was gently but firmly propelled out of the room. 'He's caught a walrus, there's a lot of it going-'
The door slammed shut.
Teppic swung his legs off the bed and clutched at his head.
'I've got to go home,' he repeated.
'Why?' said Arthur.
'Don't know. The kingdom wants me.'
'You seemed to be taken pretty bad there-' Arthur began. Teppic waved his hands dismissively.
'Look,' he said, 'please, I don't want anyone sensibly pointing out things. I don't want anyone telling me I should rest. None of it matters. I will be back in the kingdom as soon as possible. It's not a case of must, you understand. I will. And you can help me, Chiddy.'
'How?'
'Your father has an extremely fast vessel he uses for smuggling,' said Teppic flatly. 'He will lend it to me, in exchange for favourable consideration of future trading opportunities. If we leave inside the hour, it will do the journey in plenty of time.'
'My father is an honest trader!'