“I know. That’s got to be really hard. And we don’t even know if she still is Death.”
“I think you should just go over there and have Auntie Jane explain. Sophie will know it’s you. You sound like you already. You move like you. You just, you know, just don’t look like you.”
“Speaking of which, how’s he doing?”
Charlie’s former body, the wizard-crocodile guy, sat on the floor in front of the dishwasher, rocking from side to side with the rhythm of the motor. Audrey had brought him home from the boat in a sack and had been caring for him while Charlie was in the hospital.
“He’s good. He’s doing really good. I mean, he’s, well, you’ll see. Charlie, come meet a new friend!”
“Really?” Charlie said.
The croc guy made a delighted growly noise as he climbed to his feet and scampered across the kitchen, his head and torso sort of wiggling back and forth as he moved, his lower jaw flapping, leaving a drop of drool on every downstroke, his long dong skittering on the tile between his feet as he moved. He stopped in front of Charlie and made an excited and juicy growling sound.
“Charlie, this is big Charlie,” Audrey said, presenting big Charlie with a bow.
Big Charlie looked at her. “You named him Charlie?”
“What was I supposed to do? He was Charlie for a year. I’ve talked to him for countless hours as Charlie, so when I see him, I think Charlie. You’re not the only one going through a transition here. Anyway, I’ve decided on another name for him.”
“Which is?”
“Wiggly Charlie.”
The croc guy jumped up and down, clicked his talons as if clapping, excited drooly breaths.
“See, he likes it.”
“He is pretty wiggly.”
As if on cue, Wiggly Charlie resumed jumping, his torso, head, and jaw wiggling as if connected by loose springs.
Charlie felt bad for the little guy, then he felt bad for Audrey. “Was I this goofy when I first, you know, when I first moved into that body?”
“No, you were much more coordinated. There was kind of more there. Less drooly.”
“Really? I mean, look at him.” Charlie looked at Wiggly Charlie, then at Audrey. “All that time, you weren’t—you weren’t creeped out by me?”
She sat down in the chair across from him, moved his coffee cup, took his hand. “To be honest, I was always captivated by your enormous unit.”
“Really?”
She nodded, eyes down, humble and sincere.
“Are you fucking with me?”
She nodded, eyes down, humble and sincere.
She laughed. Wiggly Charlie made his breathy, excited noise.
“Come here,” Charlie said, bending down. “We need to fix you.”
Charlie untied Wiggly Charlie’s wizard robe, then wound his dong around his waist and cinched his robe shut under it, so now instead of a creepy little patchwork creature dragging around a completely disproportionately sized sex organ, he just looked like he needed to spend a little more time at a creepy lit
tle patchwork creature gym to work off his roll.
“There you go,” Charlie said, sitting up to admire his work. “Better?”
Wiggly Charlie frisked and drooled, clicked his talons together in applause.