“I haven’t yet. But I’m going to.”
Jacey’s puzzled now. It’s apparent as she looks at me in confusion. “I’m not following you. If you haven’t hurt her yet, then you don’t have to do it.”
Our food arrives and Jacey dives into hers, eating with more gusto than I’ve ever seen a chick eat with.
“You don’t understand,” I finally tell her with a sigh. “I’m f**ked up. When you look at me, you see your big brother, same ol’ Gabe. But I’m not that guy anymore. That thing that happened to Brand and me… it seriously f**ked me up. Maddy doesn’t deserve someone like me.”
Jacey stops chewing and looks at me. “Why don’t you let Maddy decide that?” she suggests. “Have you told her what happened to you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
Jacey tilts her head, examining me. “How bad is it? Seriously, how bad can it be? I know you, Gabe. You’re a good person, through and through. I would never have wanted to set you up with Maddy if you weren’t.”
“But that’s what you don’t get, Jacey,” I answer. “I’m not good through and through anymore. I’m just not.”
“Did you kill someone while you were in the Rangers?” she asks curiously. “Is that it? Because that’s dumbass, Gabe. Obviously you had to know that you would kill someone if you joined the Army and went to Afghanistan.”
I shake my head. “That’s not it. And yes, I’ve killed people.”
“It’s worse than that?” Jacey is incredulous. “Then maybe I don’t want to know.”
I level a gaze at her. “Trust me, you don’t. But I have a problem now and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to get so close to Madison. I really didn’t. I thought we’d hook up a few times and then I’d go back home. But…”
“But you really like her, don’t you?” Jacey asks knowingly. “I told you a long time ago that you were perfect for each other.”
I sigh. “I do like her. And she’s been through a lot already. She doesn’t deserve my shit. But I’m selfish enough to not want to leave just yet either.”
Jacey pushes her plate away and stares at me over it, her arms crossed and a serious expression pasted on her face.
“Gabriel Joseph Vincent. Do you think you don’t deserve something good in your life? Do you think that whatever happened overseas is so bad that you shouldn’t ever be happy again? Because again, that’s dumbass. You deserve happiness more than anyone I know. In fact, you deserve it more. Listen to me. You need to tell Maddy the truth. Just lay it out there. Let her decide for herself if you’re worth it. You owe it to yourself and to her.”
I nod, wiping my mouth and tossing the napkin in the plate.
“OK,” I exhale. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I’m definitely right,” she answers. “And for once it feels good to lecture you, instead of you lecturing me.”
I roll my eyes, we pay the check and then walk out to our cars.
“Seriously, bro. She’s worth it. She really is. She’s tough and prickly on the outside, but she’s got a heart of freaking gold.”
I think back to yesterday, to standing in front of that bonfire watching her bad memories burn, and the vulnerable look on her face.
She’s tough and prickly on the outside but she’s fragile as hell on the inside.
And that’s the part of her that I’m afraid of.
“Thanks for the advice, Sis.” I kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll be home later.”
“And if you’re not, don’t worry about it,” she answers. “We haven’t seen Jared in a while. I think he’s done messing with me now.”
“We can hope,” I answer as I climb back into my car. Before I start it up, I send Maddy a text.
Wanna meet me at the pier by your house after you leave work?
It only takes her a few minutes to reply.
Sure. Why?
I answer back, I need to talk.
A split second later she answers. Hmmm. Ok. I’ll see you around 9:30.
I head home and shower, messing around the house for a while, until it’s time to go. I leave a little early and sit on the end of the pier with my legs hanging off, throwing stones until Maddy shows up.
Even if I hadn’t heard her car door slamming in the parking lot, I would feel her presence. She stares a hole between my shoulder blades as she walks down the long pier to meet me. She situates herself next to me, taking a stone from my hand and throwing it. It skips once on the surface of the water, then sinks like the stone that it is.
“So, what’s up?” Maddy asks quietly. From the look on her face, I think she probably thinks that I’m going to end things with her.
“Remember when I told you that I had shit you don’t know?” I ask solemnly, heaving another stone out into the water.
She pretends to think about that. “Yeah, I seem to remember something about that.”
“Well, I decided you should know about it.”
Maddy inhales deeply and stares at me.
“You sure?”
I shake my head. “No. But you were f**king brave yesterday. I’m not p**sy enough that I can’t do it too. But you might think I’m a p**sy by the time I’m done talking.”
Maddy sticks her chin out and looks me in the eye. “I doubt it, but there’s only one way to find out.”
I take a deep breath, then another. The night air is chilly and fireflies flit around us. For just a second I contemplate changing my mind. But that’s not an option.
“That night in Chicago. You were having flashbacks, weren’t you?”
I nod, not looking at her. “It happens at f**ked-up random times. I can’t control it and that’s the most f**ked-up part. It gives me a weakness.”
Maddy looks at me. “And you can’t have a weakness? Even Achilles had a bad heel.”
I roll my eyes. “If I remember right, Achilles died because of his heel.”
“True,” she acknowledges. “Gabe, you’re not weak. I’m so sorry that any of this happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. And I hate that you think you have to hide it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve heard that lots of soldiers come home with PTSD. Even the biggest and strongest like you.”