I just shake my head. There’s nothing I can say to make her understand how emasculating it is. How much it f**king sucks to have a weakness like this one.
“What are you doing about it?” she asks hesitantly. “What’s the treatment?”
I shake my head again. “I declined treatment when I came home. I mean, I saw a shrink a couple times, but I didn’t do the extensive program that Brand signed up for. It’s called CPT. It stands for cognitive processing therapy or something like that. Brand told me that it f**king sucked, but still thought I should do it. I said no way in hell. I’ll deal with it on my own.”
“And how’s that working out?” Maddy sounds doubtful.
“Shitty,” I admit. “But it can’t be worse than CPT.”
“How long does the CPT last?” Maddy asks curiously. “Can you still do it?”
“I could,” I answer carefully. “But I don’t want to. It’s supposed to be a week of pure hell. I’ve had enough of hell.”
“OK,” Maddy answers uncertainly. “But do you remember what you told me yesterday? You said you could see that I’m afraid to face my demons, that until I do, I’ll always be hung up in the past. Those were pretty wise words, Gabe. And I think they might apply to you too.”
I shake my head. “Your past is different from mine, Maddy. People died because of me. It’s not the same.”
She stares at me doubtfully, but doesn’t push it.
“I’m sure you know what you’re doing.”
I don’t.
But I don’t say that.
Instead I look at her again. “Do you think I’m a crazy a**hole now?”
She stares at me like I’m actually crazy.
“Gabe, I saw you melt down in Chicago. Trust me, my imagination was way worse than reality. When you didn’t say anything about it, I thought you might actually be crazy. But you’re not.”
I stand up and hold out my hand to help her up. “Do you hate me now?”
“For what?” She’s incredulous. “For doing your job? For coming home devastated? For losing your friend? Um, no. I respect you even more for what you’ve been through.”
“Maybe you’re the crazy one,” I mutter as we walk down the pier.
“We shouldn’t rule that out,” she agrees. I chuckle, a low sound in the night, before I tuck her into her car. “Meet me at my house,” she suggests. “Stay with me tonight.”
I tense up automatically, out of sheer habit. “I don’t think so,” I tell her. “I don’t think I should.”
“But I know what to expect, right?” she answers. “Nightmares, tossing and turning? Trust me, I’ve seen it already. I saw it that first night and I saw it last night. You woke me up from the couch. It’s not that big a deal.”
I picture that girl in Kabul. The blood running down the side of her face. She would beg to differ, I’m sure.
But that was almost a year ago. Surely I’ve come a long way since then.
Surely.
I finally nod. “All right. I’ll meet you at your house.”
Maddy grins beatifically. “Perfect. See you there.”
I get into my car and sit there for a second. I can’t believe I just did that. I might not have told her everything, but I told her some of it and she didn’t run.
I take a shaky breath in. Then out.
Is it possible that everything might really turn out OK?
Is it possible that like Maddy, I can face what happened and move on with life?
It seems too much to hope for.
Yet that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Hoping.
I start my car and follow Madison’s taillights to her house. In the dark they almost seem like glowing red eyes watching me.
The bad thing caught you.
Fuck the bad thing.
Chapter Fifteen
Madison
Driving to my house, I think about what Gabriel said. And it all makes perfect sense.
No wonder he freaked out in Chicago when our taxi exploded. It was an explosion, for God’s sake. It must’ve seemed just like the bomb in Kabul.
I swallow hard.
Hearing him talk like that, so vulnerable and hurt, touches me in a place that I’ve never been touched, a deep-down place where wives and mothers keep their protective instincts.
It makes me want to wrap my arms around him and hold him where I can protect him, as if I could. I know that I can’t, just as I know he would never allow it. He’s as alpha-male as they come.
I pull into my driveway, get out of my car and meet Gabe as he’s stepping out of his Camaro. I drag his face down to mine, kissing him hard. He’s surprised, but wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer, returning my kiss.
Finally he pulls back. “What was that for?”
I shake my head. “Just for being you.”
He looks at me skeptically, but doesn’t push it. He simply follows me into the house. Knowing what happened to him puts me in a sentimental mood and all I want to do is sit around and stare at him, marveling at his bravery. Or hold him tight. Or drape myself in his arms. All of these things would make me look crazy, so I don’t do any of them.
Instead I suggest that we sit in the hot tub.
“You have a hot tub?” He raises an eyebrow. “How did I not know this?”
“It never came up before.” I shrug.
“I don’t have a swimsuit,” he warns me, his dark eyebrow lifted. I smile.
“You don’t need one.”
I tug him by the hand until we reach the sunken hot tub on my veranda. Gabe eyes it in surprise.
“I didn’t even notice it was here that first night that we… well, I didn’t see it.”
I laugh as I step out of my shorts, then peel off my top. “We were a little distracted that night.”
I don’t know how long it is before I follow him.
I don’t know how much time passes until I’m awakened.
But it only takes me a brief second to realize that I can’t breathe.
Gabe’s hands are squeezing my throat, his fingers curled around my neck like a vise grip.
I startle completely awake, thrashing against him as I try to breathe, but his arms are wiry steel bands and I can’t budge them.