"Amen," we say in unison.
He returns the bucket to the shelf and steps up to the table where all of his instruments are. Secretly, I wish for the cane. I need something more substantial and with a bit more of a bite, this time around. Unfortunately, he passes over it before locking in on his tool of choice.
I watch as Monsignor fingers the leather tresses of the flogger as he stands before me, readying himself for my penance.
"Let's start at the beginning," he says, "what brought you here to me today?"
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Smack!
He starts gentle, but I need to feel the pain. I need to tell him about what happened earlier. Not just about touching myself. Not just about Suri witnessing me breaking. Not just about how I want to control her. About how I want to tie her to the cross that sits in this very room. About how I want to bend her to my will.
All of it.
"It's been three years since my last session."
Smack.
"Tell me your sins, Father," he commands.
Will he demand that Suri be sent away? I don't like the thought of not being around her, but that really may be the best course of action. Getting her out of my life will help get me back on track.
"I've been having impure thoughts," I mention.
Smack. It's a little harder this time and leaves a slight tingle in its wake. It feels better now, but it will require a mightier intensity before I can feel cleansed.
"Tell me about these thoughts," he insists, "no detail is too small."
"It started when she got here, Sister Suri. She's awakened something within me, something that hasn't been there for a long time. Not since the affair with Claire."
Smack. Smack.
"Mmm…" he acknowledges.
He's thinking back to our sessions during the time of the affair. How I promised him it was just for fun and didn't mean anything. The longer it went on, the more intense I got until finally, I saw him almost daily to try and rein in my behavior.
I was missing services, forgetting my duties and responsibilities. Claire consumed me.
She was the one who got away.
He kept me locked up in here for two weeks, starving me, punishing me, making me see that I didn't care for her. That I only thought I was in love with her. I only thought she needed me to take care of her. In actuality, I needed her. I needed her to need me, so I would feel like her leaving wasn't a mistake.
After Monsignor helped me clear my head, I realized how far gone I had been. How toxic she was for me. I didn't want her; I didn't miss her; I didn't love her again. I only wanted revenge. I tried to rub her nose in the fact that she cheated on me and disappeared from my life. Then, to find out that the man she was running to wasn't the respectable Dom he pretended to be.
Smack. Smack. Smack. Harder and in quick succession.
YES! More!
Fuck yes! Fire licks across my back, my ass, and my thighs and my dick twitches to life. My skin burns, blissfully, but it's gone too soon, replaced by chilly goosebumps.
"I sincerely hope we aren't digressing back to that time in your life, Father Ryan," he chides.
"No, Father. Never again."
Smack. Softer again now.
Fuck.