My penance was really high all the time and I often wondered, was it because I was being tested? I had lived my entire life on my own, except for the brief time I had Tanya, yet my need for acceptance by the Mother Superior was fierce, but not as strong as the love I needed from the Lord. That was why, if I had to attend to all of the carnal sins in this building, then that was the least I could do. It was because I knew, in my heart of hearts, it could be so much worse.
I loved the zinging sensation I got when I got down to pray. It was like he was resonating through me to tell me what he would need. I would gladly deliver his message, be it loving or harsh, I would be as merciful as I could, although the troubling situations happening in his name, made me think his deliverance would be severe.
I always started off praying for Tanya and the other girls who justdisappearedin the middle of that fateful night. After, I set to work on my sins for the day, then I simply sat and listened to what God wanted of me. It was the most peaceful thing; I couldn’t even describe it if I wanted to. It really was a shame that not all of the convent's residents spent more time listening then they spent doing.
Sadly, my time was up, so I needed to go do my kitchen chores. They would’ve just eaten afternoon meal; I would scrub the dishes so they would be clean for dinner. That actually was not so bad either. Honestly, as I thought about it, if I could spend my entire life in the nunnery doing menial chores and spending time in prayer, I would die a happy woman. However, the appetites of men must be met.
I understood this more than others perhaps. Maybe because the two priests made sure I did, or maybe because in this society, it just simply was.
Standing in front of the kitchen window as I scrubbed pans, I looked wistfully at the garden out the window. I would need to prove my worth before I could work outside. In a way, I left one prison to come to another. The difference though – this prison was my way out. No one made this choice for me.
Finishing up with the cleaning, I fixed a sandwich and sliced an apple. Praying for the food the lord supplied, I sat down with my simple meal.
The sisters ate three times a day, I was permitted two on my regimen. In all honesty, two was truly enough to sustain my body. Plus, and the Lord would have it, he would send someone to slip pieces of cake, or a piece of fruit under my door every evening after I was sent to my room.
My guess was, it was Sister Hanleigh. She was the only one who deigned to even take a peek at me. I don't know what she saw in me, but I was glad that not everyone looked at me with disdain. Once, I’m pretty sure she winked when she passed me by. It was a nice gesture; however, I could only guess the trouble she would get in with the Mother if she was found out, and I surely wasn’t worth it. I would be one day, but I needed to prove myself, and I had every intention of doing that.
* * *
6 Months Ago
Every year was the same. The girls that turned of age, Rita had them transported somewhere unknown in the middle of the night. She told my caseworker it was easier on us to do that then to drag out a goodbye. I didn't believe her lies, but there wasn't much I could do. Our caseworkers ate that shit up, either because she was naïve or because she didn't care enough. I knew I needed to do something, but I was at a loss.
In my senior year, I got a new English literature teacher. She was young and full of ideas. Renewing all of our interests in the classics, she soon turned out to be one of my favorites.
As my birthday drew closer, I knew I just had to leave. I tried sneaking out in the middle of the night, making it as far as the driveway when the nosy ass neighbor called Rita. She literally dragged me by the hair and threw me in my room. She took a leather belt and she beat the shit out of me, then left me lying crumpled on the floor. She turned around, left, and locked the door. I dragged a shoebox I had hidden under my bed and opened it to look at the remains. It calmed me down enough when I started visualizing that one day, it could be Rita. I laughed of joy, thinking that fat bitch would need a much bigger box.
Driving me to school the next day, she informed me she would be picking me up also. It was her way of keeping tabs on me. I then realized I was more trapped than I originally thought. I was running out of time and I needed to find a way out of this quickly. I didn’t know where the girls were, but if they had to be taken in the middle of the night, without their consent by the sound of their screams, it couldn’t be anywhere good.
As I made my way through the school, Mrs. Otis, the new teacher, had seen me in the hall and decided to pull me aside. She was concerned by my erratic behavior in school. When she asked me if I was doing drugs, I laughed hysterically and explained what was happening at the house.
She looked at me in shock, there's no other way to describe it. I assumed, of course, she didn’t believe me a word I had said. Except that, she actually did. She went to the principal, then called Child Protective Services to hold a meeting. She couldn't believe what was happening at the house and was outraged by it. The Principal and the people from Child Protective Services told her that, even if they understood she was new to all of this, she should not just focus in one student, she had many others who needed her attention too. They advised her to tend to the other children she taught.
“I am going to help you.” She promised, determination in her face. Her words were like a soothing balm to my broken soul.
I felt relieved that someone cared for my well-being even if I knew there wasn’t anything she could do. I did appreciate her efforts. I never had the inclination or desire to use the knife I had on a person, but at this point, that would probably change if it meant it would help me escape. Whatever my fate was going to be, I would find out soon.
Then, right as Rita walked into the school, a uniformed police officer called her name, coming in from behind her. It turned out, Mrs. Otis was married to a cop. She had called him. Rita’s face looked like it was going to explode as she shouted how dare you’s and who do you think you are?
Then before my eyes, a real life, honest to God, nun walked into the school. I had never seen one dressed in the garb. She walked over to the teacher. They had a discussion while Rita was still being interviewed.
The nun, who I later found out was Sister Mary Margaret, walked over to me and asked if I would like to talk to her.
“Yes ma’am.” I was star struck, never meeting a real nun before.
“I help run a convent on the other side of town. I understand that you are not a regular church goer, but tell me child, do you believe in God?”
Nodding vigorously, it was like I had lost my ability to speak. There was this need inside of me to have this woman like me.
She smiled. “Bless you my child. I am offering you a spot to become part of our unique legacy. It takes a certain young woman with good morals, and a closeness to our Lord and Savior to become a part of our society. I believe God has brought me here to extend you this invitation.”
“You are asking me to be a nun?” My mouth dropped to the floor as I turned out all the other background noise behind me, mostly Rita’s mouth, and focused on her.
With keen eyes, she answered, “I am offering you this opportunity as an alternative over, well, whatever that woman has concocted up.”
My head was nodding yes as all my fears started to slip away. I was in my own thoughts when I felt her pull my arm.
“I want you to think about it. This is not something to be entered into lightly. This is a lifetime commitment where you would leave all your worldly desires outside of the convent doors. There is a strict rule structure that you must follow. I would very much like you to join but not before you have thought it through.”