Splaying my hands on either side of the well-kept secret, I rest my chin on the floor so I can be eye level with it.
Ding!
My eyes quickly turn up toward the screen and I let out a quick laugh. It seems my audience has been here and watching by the numbers slowly rising in the corner and only now did one want to let me know of their presence.
Most of my customers like to watch and nothing more, but this one happens to be my favorite because he likes to let me know when he’s ready for the show to begin. While I do my best to entertain them all, he’s the one that I work the hardest for.
Wicked little girls do the devil’s work and Satan is here for the show,I think as I make a show of spreading my knees further apart against the hard wooden floor, lifting my ass higher in the air.
A smile creeps across my lips as I turn my head to the right and stare directly into the camera. He’s ready for me and now we’ll get to find out what’s in my package together.
Ding!
He wants to play and he’s done waiting.
I push myself up to my knees and scoot back on my ass, my legs wide apart as I reach forward and grab tonight’s prop.
I use my fingernails to begin picking at the wrapping, hoping that it will give way soon because I can feel myself falling on the inside. The world is becoming less black and white, and grayer with each passing second and I know that soon the show will begin.
Whether I’m ready to start with it or not.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
He’s growing impatient with each passing second but I’m no closer to finding out what’s inside of the package than I was when I initially began picking at the wrapping.
I throw the package against the floor in frustration, get to my feet, and walk over to the camera, turning it off as tears run down my face. There will be no show tonight because I can’t perform without my props and I know this will not sit well with him or anyone else that came on to watch me play.
I’ve failed them tonight and only blood can cleanse me of this sin. I’ll have to leave the walls of my home to find someone—anyone—whose life is as worthless as mine.
We’ll help each other and then the vicious cycle can start all over again.
Chapter Three
The night airis cool but I purposely didn’t bring a jacket. If I’m going to bleed or bleed another for my sin, I have to be as bare as I can.
The only way to ensnare Heaven is to entice Hell and I need the penance as quickly as it can be afforded to me.
Someone will take pity on me—they always do. They’ll see nothing more than a seemingly disheveled, lost young woman, not knowing that the Beast resides deeper in my heart than God ever will.
I’m the beast they all made me into. The world was never good to me. I had been shoved around from home to home when I was younger until I finally landed on the steps at the convent of Our Lady of Heavenly Hope.
No amount of praying away the voices in my head has helped so far. If anything, I feel like they’ve amplified them, but I’ve become quite intimate with my demons, and they help me perform when I need them to.
I push my hair out of my face as I continue walking. I don’t like where I’ve stopped so far and no one will bother if they see me so close to the convent still. They’ll try to take me back—tell the Bitch Mother that I need food or shelter for the night, and she’ll reprimand me for leaving without her say so.
She’ll cane me as she’s so fond of doing when I’ve gone against her wishes, and while my customers don’t seem to mind the bruises, it’s hard to sit with welts on my ass. It’ll make performing harder than it should be.
I take in a shuddering breath and stop walking again. Glancing up at the street sign above my head, I smile slightly. A few more steps until I reach the end of this path should be sufficient.
I’ll find someone who’ll want to get to know me on the corner of this avenue since it’s where the lonely and desperate convene.
Mother warned us to stay away from this part of town.“It’s full of sin, degenerates, and miscreants. There is no salvation for the people that dwell there.”
That’s how I know I’ve found the perfect place and it amazes me that I hadn’t found it sooner.
Not that I thought I would have the need to leave the convent tonight, but I want to feel alive again and I need to feel the rush of blood.
Be it mine or someone else’s—I need it now more than ever.