He tried to sit back up again. “No, no, no.” And then he groaned and whispered, “Well maybe,” and he just flopped back again.
Shane immediately took his temperature. “I think you’re sick,” he murmured. “You’re running a bit of a fever.”
Ryatt frowned at him. “I can’t remember the last time I caught a cold or the flu.”
“We’ve had a few people down with it in the center. We’ve been trying hard to keep it away from the patients, but it looks like you might have it.”
“Well, dang.” Ryatt stared at Shane. “So much for making progress.”
“This is your body’s way of saying,You’re doing too much,” Shane said sternly. “I planned to have a talk with you about pushing yourself. It’s been pretty evident lately that you’re on some kind of a mission to ensure you’re the best you can be and to get out of here as fast as you can.”
“Well, best as I can be, yes,” he confirmed. “Not so sure about thegetting out as fast as I canpart. It seems like I don’t really have any plans once I leave here anyway. So I’m more desperate to find an answer.”
“Good to know, but that’s not something for you to worry about yet either.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” he stated pointedly. “You have a job. You have a career. You have a partner. An awful lot in my life is missing.”
“And you’ll get them, every one of them,” Shane said firmly, “but not until your body is ready. What you don’t want to do is collapse and be stuck here for another six months. That’s not progress for anyone.”
Chapter 9
Lana had beenspending a lot of time thinking about her fears and what she would do about them, what she might possibly do to help work herself through them. It was an ongoing project. Yet somehow she felt that, once she came to a decision, a conclusion—even if the first of many later on—then she would feel an urgency to face them, to share this with Ryatt.
When Lana started work the next day, Dani stopped in later that morning and said, “By the way, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve added staff training in the field of fears that you were talking about. I think more of us need to have a definitive idea about what our patients here have for fears and how to properly deal with them.”
“That’s a good idea, and it can be applied to the staff as well.” Lana nodded. “I have to admit that I was a little concerned myself. I’ve spent a bunch of time, even again last night, thinking about the fears that I’ve been harboring, without even realizing it. And especially the ones that I’ve allowed to rule some of my present thoughts and feelings.”
Dani tilted her head. “Well, that’s a good thing,” she replied cautiously. “At least I hope so.”
“I hope so too, in the long run,” she admitted, with a wry smile. “I think all it’s doing right now is making me a little more confused.”
“And I think fears also tend to be something that we’re raised with. They’re other people’s beliefs, maybe not necessarily our own. So, when you’re out in the real world, you have to reexamine the things that you believe and don’t believe and findout for yourself if they’re really parts of who you are or if they’re just bits and pieces of other people sticking to you.”
Lana stared at her boss. “Wow. I’ve never heard it presented like that before, but it’s really good that you did that.”
“Ha.” Dani laughed. “We’ll just put that down to real-life experience.”
“I don’t know. You have a talent for this kind of stuff.”
“No, no, nope.” Dani shook her head. “That would be Dennis.”
At that, Lana agreed. “He is a wizard when it comes to giving you a whole new perspective on life,” she agreed, “but I think you’re right too. And I hadn’t really considered that, the whole distinction ofwhose thoughts and beliefs am I harboring?”
“And maybe it’s time you did,” she suggested, with a smile. “I know, with my own father, the Major, who you have met many times, I had to sit down and reassess what was important to me, what was important to him, and why was something important to me and was it only because it was important to him?” she murmured. “And believe me. If you aren’t confused after that statement, you should be.” She went off in peals of laughter, making Lana grin.
“I hear you. That was quite a mouthful. Yet I think I got the gist of what you’re saying,” Lana said. “I don’t think most of us look at that concept though. We go from childhood to adulthood, and we never assess or even try to assess just where our beliefs come from and whether they still hold true for the people we are as adults.”
“Exactly, and, although you may say that you have these fears, are they your fears, or are they fears that you’ve absorbed from other people?” Dani asked, warming up to a topic that she obviously cared a lot about. “Are fears of losing your job akin to fears of losing your mother? Both are foundations, main supports in our lives, and fears are easily transferred.”
“I have no idea,” Lana admitted in fascination. “I’ll have to give that some more thought.”
“Do that. You might be surprised that it’s less about fear and as much as it’s about uncertainty, about a change. For instance, you probably have enough money that, should you lose your job, you’d be okay for a little while. So is it really a fear that you will not have enough money, or is it an uncertainty about what you’ll do next and how you’ll survive? And, if you trust that you’re strong enough to handle whatever comes your way, then it’s not so much about a fear as it’s just that specific challenge that you’re not certain that you’ll rise to.” And, with that, she added, “And that’s my phone ringing. I’ve got to run.”
Dani dashed off to her office, leaving Lana standing here, completely bemused at the turn of events and the words of wisdom that had just been shared with her. She almost wished she had had a recorder, so that she could tape it and think about it later. A lot of nuggets were in that little speech Dani had delivered that Lana would like to hear again, over and over a few times, just to reassess what she was supposed to get out of it.
But Dani was right on a couple levels. Lana hadn’t questioned whether these were fears or more about uncertainty—unmade plans. And she hadn’t critically assessed whether the fears she had were even ones that were justifiably hers. Her mother had been fearful of everything; she would refuse even going out at night. As far as she was concerned, the boogeyman was out there and would get her, no matter what. And she’d had more or less raised Lana that way, even though Lana nor her mother had never been in a situation that even had engendered a physical fear. No one should be walking outside in the dark, especially in the alleyways, putting themselves in a position where they were likely to find trouble.
Putting oneself in a position where trouble was likely to find you? Now there was a big difference. As Lana pondered itmore and more, she had to sit down with a pen, even though it was work hours, and write down some of the fears that she was facing. One of them, she had to stop and think about—the supposed fact that she was afraid she would always be alone. Particularly given the loss of her mother physically, and the loss of her father emotionally.