“Of course not. You’re letting fear paralyze you, and that’s not the man who I understood was here,” Dennis noted quietly. “I mean, you’re welcome to be that other man. I’m not saying that you can’t be, but that hesitant you doesn’t appear to me to be anything like the man I have known this last little while.”
“No, I’m not,” Ryatt admitted. “I would never have said I was a coward.”
“Well, I certainly won’t use that word,” Dennis said, “because that implies something much harsher. However, I do think that you want to be seen as a man who can do things, who can face fears, who doesn’t hide away.”
“Yes, of course that’s how I prefer to act, how I want to be seen,” he replied in amazement.
After Dennis was gone, his words certainly gave Ryatt something to think about, something that he hadn’t yet expected. When Dennis had put it that way, it was quite true. Ryatt had been the person who stepped up and went back to rescue his friends; that’s how Ryatt had been injured. And he would do it all over again. His friend Joe was alive.So am I, Ryatt reminded himself, and that’s because of his actions that day.
Peter wasn’t here still, and that was something Ryatt would have to live with. He certainly didn’t want to go through life afraid that, given another opportunity, he wouldn’t make the same choice. That wasn’t living to him. That was being crippled by fear. And that’s what Dennis was trying to say.
Ryatt wondered if Lana knew as many details about his accident as Dennis seemed to know. Ryatt wanted to tell her about it, so she heard it from him. So there were no secrets between them. So she knew that any subject could be spoken of with him. So she understood the guilt he still carried—should it come up in other forms within their relationship. However, he wasn’t ready for that discussion. Not yet. Later.
Ryatt thought aboutit a lot into the night, and the next morning he woke up, already late.
He worked his way through his morning PT exercises, trying to get as far as he could, as fast as he could, until Shane finally said, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
Ryatt looked at him. “Just in a hurry today.”
“Oh, I get it,” Shane confirmed. “I’m just not sure why.”
Ryatt shrugged. “I want to talk to Lana.”
“Well, you can, can’t you? At lunchtime? After work?”
“Probably. We don’t really get a ton of time to talk. And often I’m too tired to make good use of the time.”
“You’re not that tired today though, are you?”
“No, I’m not,” he murmured, “which is a good thing.” And, at that, Shane called his session over. Ryatt headed back to his room and got a quick shower, before checking if Lana was in her office and ready for lunch. However, he saw no sign of her. He poked his head into Dani’s office. “Is she here today?”
“No,” she said. “She’s out all day.”
He frowned at that. “Is she okay?”
“Yes,” Dani replied cheerfully. “Attending a one-day conference in town.”
He nodded slowly. “Okay,” he murmured, heading on down to the cafeteria to get his lunch.
Dennis saw him and raised an eyebrow. “You’re alone. Not sure if that’s good or bad,” he murmured.
“She didn’t come in today,” Ryatt said quietly.
“Ah, well, that can put a kibosh on your day, but don’t let it keep a kibosh on your life.”
Ryatt nodded. “Wasn’t planning on it. Not exactly sure what I’m planning on doing anyway.”
“That’s fine,” Dennis agreed. “I’m sure when she comes in, you’ll have lots of time to talk.” And he quickly served him a meal and moved on to the guy behind him in line.
Ryatt hoped they did have time to talk; he really hoped that he had a chance to talk to Lana about some specific items, but it felt weird that he’d finally geared himself up to do this, and then she wasn’t here. Wasn’t that so typical. By the time he got through the rest of the day, he was tired and frustrated. He sent her a text message, asking if she was okay.
She immediately sent back a response.Sorry, should have let you know I wasn’t coming in today. Attending a conference with lots of speakers, all good info.
The next morningat eight, he was already late for an appointment with one of his doctors, when Lana stopped by. He didn’t have time to talk to her right now. “I’m glad you’re back. I wasn’t sure what to think when you didn’t show up or text me.”
“Just lots of speakers all day long,” she noted quietly. “Lots of decisions and thought processes to consider.”
“I know. Me too.” He gave her the gentlest of smiles. “Unfortunately I can’t talk. I’ve got to go. I’m already late for my appointment.”