“I know. Me too.”
Ryatt asked her, “What are you afraid of?”
“Of being an old maid, of not having a family, of not finding my one true love,” she murmured. “I know it may sound stupid, and I don’t mean it to, but it’s a hardship for me, dealing with the fear of losing someone again, making me so afraid to commit because of that fear of loss. It’s not something I’d ever really looked at before, and I’m not really sure how big an issue it is, but the people here?… They are so strong and courageous that it makes me feel even worse for not confronting my fears. I’m dealing with grief over my mom and a weird sense of abandonment over my dad, but that’s nothing compared to what everyone here is dealing with.”
“Still, you are entitled to your feelings. And what about leaving here?”
“It would not be my choice, but, if that’s the only answer, then”—she took a deep breath—“then yes.”
He smiled. “That’s interesting too. And I’m glad to hear that, but I don’t think it’ll be necessary.”
She stared. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, there’s a good chance I can find work locally.”
She beamed. “If we could try to find work locally, I would love that.” She added, “I really don’t want to leave here. I really like my work at Hathaway.”
“It’s a valuable job, but the thing is, I don’t really have any money to support a family.”
“And you certainly wouldn’t have to, not by yourself,” she said. “I wasn’t planning on quitting.”
He chuckled. “You realize that we’re getting all these details out of the way, but we haven’t hadthat talk.”
“I know. We keep avoiding it.”
“Because nobody wants to be the first one to speak up.”
She winced and nodded. “It is a little… difficult to be the first.”
“And that’s because we have to open ourselves up to the hurt, in case it’s not what we’re expecting it to be.”
She nodded again. “I know.” She took a deep breath. “And it seems foolish, but that’s where it’s at.” And then she smiled at him. “But I tell you what, if you start, I’ll follow.” He burst out laughing, and she grinned. “See? We’re good together.”
“We are good together,” he agreed warmly. “And we’ll be even better together as time goes on.”
She looked at him hopefully. “Do you think so?”
“I know so.” He opened his arms and said, “I could use a hug.”
She immediately put down her coffee, walked over, and gave him a hug. They held on to each other for a long moment, and then she stepped back and smiled at him. “I’m really glad I came for coffee this morning.”
He laughed. “Me too. But you don’t get to leave just yet, as we haven’t addressed the big first step.”
“No,” she murmured, as she looked down at her feet. She hitched her hip on the side of his bed and smiled. “Brings us back to the same thing.”
“Sure, fear. You’re afraid of all kinds of things, and so am I. However, I won’t be the person who wishes I had said something when I had the opportunity, yet I didn’t.” He took a deep breath. “And speaking of fear, there’s something I need to tell you. Maybe it will help you to understand some of the issues I’ve been dealing with.” In a low tone he told her about Peter and what had happened and how the decision he’d made had tormented himever since. When he finally fell silent, he looked up hesitantly to see her reaction. His heart jumped when he saw the tears welling in Lana’s eyes.
She leaned closer and clasped her palms on either side of his face, still crying. “It wasn’t your fault. That’s a horrible decision that no one should have to make. You made the right one. I’m so sorry Peter died, but his death is not on you.”
He nodded. “That’s what my doctor said.”
She nodded. “Good. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I can also certainly understand the doubt in your decision, but making peace with that and moving forward is the best thing you can do for yourself.”
“And that’s the point I’ve come to as well. I’ll always carry Peter and that time in my heart and ache with the loss. He was a vibrant young man who died too young.” His lips firmed up for a moment. “Of course that’s not all I wanted to say but I figured, if I could get that out, the rest would be easier.”
And he fell silent, as the words choked up inside him.
After a moment, she leaned closer, looking directly into his eyes. “So what is it you want to say?”