I take a few steps back, covering my mouth with my hand, not wanting the sobs to escape me and interfere with their joy at having each other. I should have known that Maggie would recognize him. His pictures are in the bedroom, we’ve watched him on television, and I had a pillow made with his face on it. She sleeps with it every night.
Maggie says it again, “Da da?” and she’s using her little pudgy hands to wipe the tears off Carter’s face. He laughs and just holds on to her. She sits there for a while, content to be in his arms, but as time passes, she gets up and starts playing with the teddy bear he brought.
“I need you to pack, Hanna,” he says without looking at me. I know he hates me.
When his words finally register, alarmed, I tell him, “You’re not taking her from me.”
He glares at me over Maggie’s head, but tickles her so hopefully she doesn’t notice his strained voice. “No. I’d never take her from you. I need you to pack both of your stuff.”
I put my hand on my hip and then quickly drop it. I don’t have the right to be righteous with him, but I tell him as calmly as I can, “You can’t come in here telling me what to do.”
He starts to say something, closes his mouth, and then brushes the hair off of Maggie’s face. She beams up at him before she dives onto the big, huge teddy bear as if she’s wrestling with it. Finally, he looks at me. “Do you have any idea how I feel, knowing that I have a little girl and I haven’t been here for her? Don’t you think she wonders why I haven’t been here?”
“I told her you had to work.”
He shakes his head, sadly. “And she thinks my work is more important than her.”
“She’s only fifteen months…”
“It doesn’t matter, Hanna. I need to do this. I need you to pack both of your things. I’ve moved out into the pool house and am moving you and Maggie into the house. I’ve been baby proofing all night. I went to the twenty-four hour box store and set up everything for her room, but you can change anything.”
I hold my hand up to stop him. Everything is whirling in my head. But my stupid pride rears its head. “You don’t have to take care of me in order to take care of her. I’m not your responsibility.”
“You would have been if you hadn’t lied to me, played God in all of this.” He stops and looks up at the ceiling, and I can tell he’s trying to get a hold of himself. “Look, I’m not going to argue with you about this. I need to do this. Please let me do this. I need you both somewhere safe. I’m pretty sure I saw a drug deal going down outside, and it’s only nine in the morning.”
I owe him this, I know I do. I screwed things up, and I’m lucky he’s not demanding more from me. “Janice is my best friend and lives next door. She watches Maggie while I’m at work and I don’t think she will be able to come all the way to your house to watch her, and I don’t want to hire someone I don’t know.”
He looks uneasy for a minute. “I want you to quit your job…”
“No, Carter. I have bills to pay, and I have to be able to take care of Maggie.”
“You know you don’t want to st…” He looks at Maggie, who’s looking between him and me. He smiles at her and tickles her bare feet. When she starts giggling, he smiles and then looks at me. “You don’t like that job. You know you don’t. You want to work, get something else. You want to go back to school, you always wanted to be a writer, do that. I can watch her. I’m benched for a few more weeks, and then when I go back we can figure out a babysitter by then if we need to. Do this for Maggie.”
I don’t want him to think that he can come in here and start telling me what to do, but he’s right. I hate stripping for money, but I don’t want to depend on him. “I’ll think about it.”
He wants to argue, I know he does, but he merely nods his head. “Now go pack some clothes. I got Maggie.” When I hesitate, he adds, “Please?”
Reluctantly, I get up and start to gather up our things, while hoping and praying I’m making the right decision.
10
Carter
I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since Maggie and Hanna have moved in. I’ve spent every minute of every day with them except for when I go to the clubhouse to train. I’m putting in the work to get back on the field. I know I have a lot to prove to my coach and my team, so I’m working hard for it. I’ve apologized to all of them, but I know it’s not enough. I have a whole new motivation that is burning inside me and the thought that I will be on the field again one day with Hanna and Maggie in the stands pushes me even harder.