There’s still a distance between Hanna and me. We’ve tiptoed around each other, trying to get our bearings on the whole situation. I know she probably hates depending on me, but it’s important to me to do this, to try and make this all right. For the most part, I’ve forgiven her, taking into account that she thought she was doing the right thing even though her thought pattern on that is sort of fucked up. I can feel her looking at me all the time and I know she has something to say to me, but something’s holding her back. I don’t pressure her. She’s in my home, she quit her job, she’s working on writing some kind of romance novel, and I know she’s still trying to figure out what’s happening between us.
I park my car in the driveway and hurry to the door. It’s my favorite part of the day anymore, coming home. “I’m home,” I holler.
Maggie and Hanna both appear around the corner. Maggie runs to me, and I catch her, pulling her up into my arms. Hanna keeps her distance, watching us. I squeeze Maggie and blow raspberries on her belly until she’s laughing and screaming. I stop myself from going over to Hanna, leaning down and kissing her. We’re not there yet, and I don’t know if we ever will be. Even though I still want her, probably more than I ever have.
“How’s the writing going? And oh my God, what’s that smell?” I ask her, inhaling deeply and savoring the Italian scent. She looks cute with reading glasses perched on her head, a pencil behind her ear.
“It’s good, I’m almost done with the first draft. And I have dinner in the oven. I fixed your favorite—well it used to be your favorite, uh, ravioli and garlic bread.”
I moan, remembering the times she made it for me in high school. “It’s still my favorite. What’s the special occasion?”
A faint flush tinges her cheeks. “Nothing. Well, I was hoping we could talk, maybe after Maggie goes to bed.”
I look at her, trying to read what she’s thinking and hoping it’s not a bomb she’s about to drop. I’m happy with our situation, but I can tell she’s holding back. I nod my head at her, and she seems relieved. “Uh, do you mind watching Maggie so I can go shower?”
An image of her naked in the shower torments me, and I have to look away from her. “Sure. We got this. Take your time.”
Hanna
I showered and got ready then we all set and ate dinner together. Carter praised me over and over for the dinner and then he helped me clean up. This has become our nightly ritual. I usually cook and then he cleans up while I get Maggie ready for bed. But then he always finishes in time to come and tuck her in. It’s hard watching them. He never wants to leave her, and she’s already got it figured out that she has him wrapped around her finger.
I’ve kissed her and left them alone to go to the living room and mentally prepare myself for what I need to say. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but I still need to say it.
He’s hesitant when he walks into the living room, sitting on the chair opposite of the couch. He’s on the defensive, I can already tell. “You wanted to talk?”
I nod. I’ve practiced it a thousand times in my head, but it’s harder than I thought to get it out. I clear my throat. “Yeah, well first I want to thank you for the money.” I hold my hand up when he starts to talk. “Please let me finish.”
He sits back on the chair and motions for me to continue.
“You didn’t have to do that. You’ve already started a trust fund for Maggie. You don’t need to give me money too.”
When I pause, he says, “I want you to be able to stay home with her. It’s stupid to pay a babysitter and trust someone we don’t know with her when I know you want to be with her anyway.”
I could argue with him more about how I’m not his responsibility, but I don’t want to fight with him. Instead, I scoot to the edge of the couch. “I also wanted to tell you again that I’m sorry.” I hold my hand up because I know he’s going to interrupt me again. “I know I’ve told you this, but at the time I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. I really am sorry. If I could go back, I would have done so many things differently. I just want you to know that what I did was wrong. I cheated you and Maggie, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. I know I can’t expect you to forgive me either, but I still want you to know that I truly am sorry.”