“Thank you. It’s hard to wear pants with pockets with hips like this.” He smooths his hand over his hips and swishes his tail.
Horn rolls his eye to the roof of the cavern.
At the mention of pants, I become hopeful. “Do you have pants? Or do I have to run through Under in a robe?” They shake their heads, and my hope disintegrates. “Shoes?”
“It’s the robe or your skirt and shirt.” Horn says.
“You could wear all three items, but it will only take longer to remove them.” Tail says with a grin.
Right, part of regaining memories and keeping their humanity is having sex. Something that ends up hurting them, though Tail seemed okay this morning, unless he hid whatever happened. I study him, as though I’ll be able to notice something different about him.
He taps his head as if knowing what I’m looking for. “Just another unpleasant memory that I’ll keep to myself. Thank you.” His gratitude comes with a snap, like he’s not really grateful but knows it’s for the best.
Should I have sex with Horn before we leave? What is the etiquette for having more than one lover when they are both standing there?
Before I can ask, Horn shakes his head. “I’ll let you know when I want you. When I need you.”
“No, we should plan it, because otherwise we fight, we change, and we only want to eat her the wrong way.” Tail glances at me. “Your toes are very tempting.”
“Stop with the toes.” Horn sighs. “Fine. Every time we stop.”
“Like stop for the night or stop for a drink?” Because if it’s every time we stop for a drink, that’s going add up very quickly.
“For the night.” It’s like Horn doesn’t want me at all now, and he’s doing it because he has to. That hurts more than it should. Yesterday I had felt his desire. Today there is only distance.
“That doesn’t feel right.” It feels cold, like a job to be ticked off a list. “You should want—”
Horn strides toward me. “It doesn’t matter what I want, does it?”
“Of course it does.” I step back until my back hits the wall. I need to tilt my chin to hold his gaze.
He cups my cheek, his claws grazing over my skin. “It never has. I have always existed for others.”
I place my hand over his. “Then you need to find a way to exist for yourself.”
I’m not sure if I’m saying that to him or to myself. “I lived to not be taken. And I failed. I should have lived how I wanted. I should have been who I wanted to be. As it wouldn’t have mattered. I’ve still ended up here. Who do you want to be?”
“I don’t know because I don’t know who I am.”
That is easy to answer. “You are kind, and always willing to help. While it’s true you put others first, I think you took on too much responsibility, too young.” My fingers brush over his horns. There’s so many sprouting from his head there’s no room for the dark curls that used to hang in front of his eyes and let him hide in high school.
He grabs my hand. “Who do you see when you’re fucking me? This, or who I was?”
“I see you, as you are.” Because I didn’t know who he was. I can see the battle in his eye. “You think I’m a slut for fucking you and Tail.”
Maybe I am since I enjoy it.
“And anyone else who joins your band of monsters.”
“They can only join us if they want to change. You do want to change?” Or is he regretting ever pulling me out of the puddle? He’s been teetering between helping and not since he brought me home to meet Tail.
He releases me. “Yes.”
But that is all the answer I get. He’s fighting monsters in his head that are far worse than the ones in Under.
17
Horn