“I do now.”
There’s that scrape again, the one that rubs me raw, knowing that she’d have fucked any monster to survive. “But I’m not me,” I grit out.
I’m a collection of parts glued together with the need to live, and shaped by the memories I’ve forgotten. How can I go back when I don’t remember who I was? Or who I wanted to be? I must have had hopes and dreams, even if they were out of reach.
She steps in front of me. “No, you aren’t. And you won’t be him again either, and that’s okay. You can decide who you want to be. What do you hold on to and what do you let go of?”
The breeze whips her hair around her face. She’s not the girl I knew in high school. She never talked about monsters. She would have never looked at me, in this body, the way Julie is looking at me now, like she actually cares what happens.
I want to believe that she does.
Even if I die trying to reach the center, at least I will have died doing something other than killing to pass the time. I have a purpose.
I have a purposeandI have a name.
My face burns as bone and muscle move and reshape. Into something worse? Or something human?
Then a smile forms. At least I think it’s a smile. It’s been so long…
Julie gasps, her eyes bright. Then she steps forward and reaches up onto her toes as though to kiss me. I bend my head to claim her lips and, in that moment, I am Michael again. I can feel him wondering if he’ll be able to make it last more than a night, worrying if she’ll grow bored, and what she’ll tell her friends.
My lips move against hers, tentatively at first like I need to remember what it means to have lips. I don’t even want to question why they are back. I just want to enjoy the way her mouth feels against mine. The taste of her tongue.
Then I remember my sharp teeth.
They are still sharp, and I don’t want to cut her. I draw back, expecting mouth and jaw to burn and take on another form, like that small moment is all I am allowed. But nothing happens.
Her hand brushes my cheek. “I think you’ll make it home, Michael.”
And this time I don’t flinch at her use of my name.
18
Julie/Prey
The sky over Under is a soft lilac rippled with a sickly yellow. It’s light even though there’s no sun and no moon and no stars. I guess one night has passed, but how long I’ve been missing from my world, I don’t know.
Have I already lost my job and my apartment?
Are people searching or have they already given up?
I push those thoughts aside before they can gain hold and be twisted against me. All I need to worry about right now is getting to the center. When I get there, that’s a different problem.
Assuming I get there.
All I can do is take one step at a time and keep moving. If I think too far ahead, I’ll be crushed with what I need to do. Because even though I know I’ll need more than Michael and Tail to protect and help me, adding more seems dangerous—to me and them.
Michael’s hand is firm around mine. I steal another glance; without the muzzle, he is more human despite all the horns and the two hooves instead of feet. But even with most of his face back, I wouldn’t have recognized him when he stood at the edge of the puddle.
He is too other. I hope we find a way home, and that this is the start of a second chance.
I’ll prove to Gran that being taken to Under doesn’t have to be forever. Everyone can change, for good and bad, and back again. Nothing is permanent and everyone gets a second, or third, chance if they can stomach the cost of the changes.
“You don’t mind that I used your name?”
He is silent for half a dozen steps. “I do, but I need to become used to hearing it. I should want to hear it, but a part of me doesn’t want to remember because of the pain of the memories, and the changes that will follow.”
I can’t imagine wanting to stay monstrous, but the fear of who he was and the other things he will remember must grip him tight. “You could always pick a new name.”